The Story

[Artist: 30 Seconds To Mars]



I've been thinking of everything
I used to want to be
I've been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be
I'm at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I created

And I swear to god
I've found myself
In the end

In the end

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

Shine

[Artist: Fields of the Nephilim]



"We'll always be together. Forever"
"Sweet dreams."

Mirror, Mirror
This is the place
Where love is broken down
I'm barely free
As I want you now
Misery - seems so cold out
Misery - am I dead now

Shine - enlighten me - shine
Shine - awaken me - shine
Shine - for all your suffering - shine
Shine - she's mine

My face now pressed against the glass
The winter here it seems to last
Mirror, what they see
Misery in me

Shine - enlighten me - shine
Shine - awaken me - shine
Shine - for all your suffering - shine
Shine

Malachi

"Shine like a mirror reflecting, like the sun shines -- something that comes from above, when all that remains falls below."

Bow before Hecate
Man of fortune
Man of shame
She's gonna reach for
The hearts of all of you
And I know her eyes are true

In a fatal world,
They're afraid of what she brings
In an unknown world
There are fears of nothing

And I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid

I will bring her down
Lord I'm barely human
I could raise her now
But I can't bear to lose her

I'm not afraid

I'm freezing, I'm waiting
All winter, her season
Asleep now I wait here
Awaken
I can't let go

The winter - the winter - the winter
She's here again
Is this the end
Here there's nothing left
Laid to rest now
Can't look away
I keep holding her
Winter without me seems so beautiful

Be not afraid of the ways she brings
No, I'm not afraid of the way she shines

"I'm dreaming all night. All night."

All that remains

slit the wrists of my thoughts
deny them entry into my consciousness
just become an empty shell on a seashore
once inhabited by another soul
now deserted
left as a second hand pick-me-up
for curious feet passing me by
waiting for sunset
longing for the fingers of the ocean
to collect my restless remains
when a full moon spring tide
carries me away
and hides me in the depths
beneath the eb and flow
of the liquid darkness
and tucks me into great below

© 24.08.2009

The Rusted Carousel

The carnival has ended centuries ago. Yet, here I am, in the midst of this deserted sepia-toned childhood playground. I walk towards the carousel and occupy a seat.

I close my eyes for a while and imagine the carousel back in the day .. colourful, beautiful, glamourous, enchanting. The prancing horses resemble pride and strength. I spot a rusted iron lever in the center of the stand. I walk towards it and with a huge struggle manage to push it down.

Very, very slowly the carousel starts moving. I make my way towards the closest seat. And I wait. The gears make a screaching sound and the music is antique, but the horses are ‘speeding up’. The flashing rainbow of lights are out of order and the mosaic of tiny mirrors reflecting the animation of movement around them, have all lost their shine.



‘Ride this dying carousel’ I remember Marilyn Manson’s words .. ‘Four rusted horses strangled by their own rope’. Hmm, I ponder. One horse chasing the others’ tail .. but never catching up. Going nowhere slowly.

I can relate. Chasing questionmarks, open ended questions .. with ever-evasive answers. At times, wishing to catch up with death. Just making the carousel stop. Just yearning for a reaction, whatever it may be.

But then you find yourself caught in this never-ending race. Trapped within the cycle. All I want to do is make it stop. I want to get off. If you aren’t here .. what then would be the point of it all? What then would be the point of life?

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin

[Taken from ‘Suicide is painless’ by Marilyn Manson]

The carnival has ended centuries ago. Yet here I am .. waiting for you.

White dust on a black board

Her hand is holding a piece of white chalk, resting heavily against the smooth texture of the black drawing board. She starts writing, her hand pressing hard against the board as she draws each letter. White powder falls softly like a whisper to the ground.

i have a name
i have a face
i write it down
it spells disgrace

She retreats while the words are staring back at her. The edges sharp like razors. Cutting deep into her tormented soul, being held captive by a skin unable to unzip itself.

She failed him. She disappointed him. She …



The memory of him was a tourniquet .. which, at times, helped to numb the pain and stop the bleeding .. but also became the hangman’s noose around her neck. He warned her: she would drown in her emotions one day .. and she did.

She moved forward slowly, stepping closer to the drawing board, and continued writing.

without you I’m nothing
in loneliness I dwell
every step taking me closer
to the doors of hell

what is the meaning of this curse
when you are the one that I admire
to love is to lose
and set your dreams on fire

Her words don’t make sense anymore. With the white powder of the chalk resting on the tip of her black shoes, she turns around and walks away .. from nothing .. to nowhere.

Empty.

Alone.

Lonely.

Falling away from me

[Artist: Korn]



Hey, I'm feeling tired.
My time, is gone today.
You flirt with suicide.
Sometimes, that's ok.
Do what others say.
I'm here, standing hollow.
Falling away from me.
Falling away from me.
Day, is here fading.
That's when, I would say.
I flirt with suicide.
Sometimes kill the pain.
I can always say.
'It's gonna be better tomorrow'.
Falling away from me.
Falling away from me.

Beating me down.
Beating me, beating me.
Down, down.
Into the ground.
Screaming some sound.
Beating me, beating me.
Down, down.
Into the ground.

(falling away from me).
It's spinning round and round.
(falling away from me).
It's lost and can't be found.
(falling away from me).
It's spinning round and round.
(falling away from me).
Slow it down.

Beating me down.
Beating me, beating me.
Down, down.
Into the ground.
Screaming some sound.
Beating me, beating me.
Down, down.
Into the ground.

Twisting me, they won't go away.
So I pray, go away.

Life's falling away from me.
It's falling away from me.
Life's falling away from me.
Fuck!

Beating me down.
Beating me, beating me.
Down, down.
Into the ground.
Screaming some sound.
Beating me, beating me.
Down, down.
Into the ground.

Hou my vas

[Artist: André G Nel]



Jy stap weg kyk terug
Lê jou hart teen my gesig
En raak aan my vir nog ‘n laaste maal

Ek wou keer dis te laat
Jy’t gegroet en ek wou praat
Die tyd het ons twee ingehaal

[Refrein]:
Hou my vas sit my neer
Tel my op nog ‘n keer
As alles weer kan wees soos wat dit altyd was
Hou my styf teen jou lyf
Hou my vas

Lê jou hand teen my sy
Al weet ek dis verby
So in die stilte van ons laaste aand

Van uitstel kom afstel
Wie gaan die stukke optel?
Elke nou en draai jy nog in my rond
Ek soek nogsteeds jou voetspoor in die grond

[Refrein]

Jy stap weg kyk terug
Lê jou hart teen my gesig
Raak aan my vir nog ‘n laaste maal

Na die laatnag eufories
Word alles so ironies
Sonder jou het ek verdwaal

Hou my vas sit my neer
Tel my op nog ‘n keer
As alles weer kan wees soos wat dit altyd was
Hou my styf teen jou lyf
Hou my vas

The Chair

[Artist: The 69 Eyes]



Just walk
Away from these dreams
And talk
The pain what it seems
Angel of my revelation
I don't really wanna let you
Walk
Away from these dreams

You gotta turn it all over
You gotta turn it all over
All over again

Kick the chair right down under me
Leave me hanging alone in misery
Kick the chair right down under me
Leave me hanging alone in misery

Just walk
Away from these dreams
And talk
The pain what it means
Angel of my revelation
I don't really want to hurt you
So walk
Away from these dreams

You gotta turn it all over
You gotta turn it all over
All over again

Kick the chair right down under me
Leave me hanging alone in misery
Kick the chair right down under me
Leave me hanging alone in misery

Misery has gone

Ashes

ashes to ashes
flames to dust
dreams to a whisper
friendship to lust

so near so far
so everywhere
so lost so found
so extremely rare

you have never belonged to me
and yet I claim you to be mine
camera obscura in a monochrome world
hand in hand with the Angel Divine

silly rhymes and empty words
with spaces in between
how I wish for things to change
for miracles unseen

from lust to friendship
from whispers to screams
from dust to flames
resurrecting my dreams

© 05.08.2009

Tears of the dead

Just a mixture of words that has no beat, rhymeless chanting my chorus of defeat. Too tired to think and too numb to care. I have seen the end before I knew it was there. Hmmm, time to lay me weary head to rest. Let’s flip a coin: insomnia or nightmares, which will it be? Will I be lying awake thinking of you, or will you visit me in a dream?



no need to dry your eyes
for even though they are not blind  you will never see
the truth for what it is alas
a fairytale not meant to be

accept that you’re a dreamer
that lies can never be undone
admit that love is but a fallacy
and you my dear are entitled to none

being trapped within a certain space
can become unbearable at times
but once that space becomes you
suffocation becomes a crime

© 03.08.2009

Help Me Disappear

[Artist: Katatonia]



To completely dissolve,
What method is used
I cannot sleep,
My hands are bruised
There's a hole in the wall,
Torn up anew
One dead eye,
The colour of you

To vanish for life
And promise to stay
Away from the knowing,
Bird in a cage
I'd give so much
For the courage to go
If I ask for your help,
Then you will know

So help me disappear
Or to believe in a change
No way out of here
That I can see
Or the nightmares that burn
Into my head at night
Make them disappear
So I can breathe

Looked out the window twice,
Just to be sure
That noone was standing
Outside the door
But it's just as calm
As it was before
They're all gone now,
Not there anymore

Isolated myself
For the sake of freedom
I clenched my fist
For the sake of kindness
I read a book full of strange words
Loneliness is a disease