Nymphetamine

This is my drug of choice.



[Artist: Cradle of Filth]

Lead to the river
Midsummer, I waved
A 'V'' of black swans
On with hope to the grave
All through Red September
With skies fire-paved
I begged you appear
Like a thorn for the holy ones

Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I faced when you left me
A rose in the rain
So I swore to thy razor
That never enchained
Would your dark nails of faith
Be pushed through my veins again?

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above unto me?
For once upon a time
From the binds of your lowliness
I could always find
The right slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discolours all with tunnel vision
Sunsetter
Nymphetamine
Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To her alone in full submission
None better
Nymphetamine

Nymphetamine, nymphetamine
Nymphetamine girl
Nymphetamine, nymphetamine
My nymphetamine girl

Wracked with your charm
I am circled like prey
Back in the forest
Where whispers persuade
More sugar trails
More white lady laid
Than pillars of salt

Fold to my arms
Hold their mesmeric sway
And dance her to the moon
As we did in those golden days

Christening stars
I remember the way
We were needle and spoon
Mislaid in the burning hay

Bared on your tomb
I am a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above unto me?
For once upon a time
From the bind of your holiness
I could always find
The right slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discolours all with tunnel vision
Sunsetter
Nymphetamine
Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To her alone in full submission
None better
Nymphetamine

Sunsetter
Nymphetamine
None better
Nymphetamine

Nymphetamine, nymphetamine
Nymphetamine girl
Nymphetamine, nymphetamine
My nymphetamine girl

Nevermore

a fist of flesh bangs against the mirror
shards of glass scattered across the floor
her silent scream echoes in the voice of the raven
when the animated pieces proclaim nevermore

she wishes only to disappear
hence the way she came
a nobody in the nothingness
a naked shadow without a name

black venom shadow girl
with the death look in her eyes
a fist of flesh bangs against the mirror
you are the one that I despise

© 27.07.2009

Hope

What then is the meaning of life without hope, I ask?

The beauty of hope in its’ true form is exquisite.
The promise it holds, immense. The possibilities, endless.


I think, given certain circumstances, having ‘no hope’ is extremely sad and can break a heart. But it might mend, for there was no hope to begin with.

But deliberately giving someone ‘false hope’ has the ability to crush their soul.

See Me In Shadow

[Artist: Delain]



Standing in the shadow of our lies
To hide our imperfections
Doing anything we can to hide
Eyes wide open but still blind
To see what really matters
And insecurity won't go
See me in shadows

Standing by the ruins of your soul
That cries for some more meaning
Wondering when you have
Become so cold

[Chorus:]
So cold
And all the pictures of your past are gone
So cold, so cold
Forget yourself
And who you are
Another life is not that far

Standing by the paintings of your dreams
But you have awoken
And all the purples and the greens
Have turned to black
And the ruins of your soul
Have died, no more meaning
I wonder when you have
Become so cold

[Chorus]

Not that far

Incomplete

Her shadow only reflects one wing. You unknowingly took the other one with you when the path beneath your feet carried you in a different direction, away from where she was standing.

To this very day she remains incomplete. It would have been better if she was broken. One can always attempt to fix something that is broken, improvise if you have to, be creative and explore or even invent a multitude of possible solutions.



But being incomplete sentences one to be subjected to an eternity of emptiness. When empty eyes stare back at you in a mirror where you no longer have a reflection. When time becomes irrelevant. When seasons change but winter remains. When even the deafening silence inside of you has an echo. When half a wing also becomes half of an heart.

me
without
you i am
incomplete
incomplet
incomple
incompl
incomp
incom
inco
inc
in
i

And yet, she’d break of the other wing right here right now, if she could use it to build a shelter where you would be safe and they would never harm you. A place that you can call your home. A place where you could give birth to your dreams. Where you could let your words run free like the water in the ocean. Where you could paint her the world through your eyes on a canvas every day. A place where you could laugh as often as you like, or pour your heartache through your tears into her hands. A place where you would know love, peace, serenity and security, within the boundaries of freedom. A place where you could, for once, become who you were born to be.

I’d give you my other wing right here right now .. if only I knew how.

This Is Home

[Artist: I Am Ghost]



Close your eyes, it's easier that way
A golden cup and a toast to kings
Lost and decayed, we are cut beyond our saving
But we are home now, the room is still warm

Fell in love with an angel, a heart that isn't cold
Say goodnight, we are dying, just hold on
I've blessed these shadows and tasted every one
They can't steal our love tonight

A century of open arms that shield the light
This battle scar is healing
Cast all the pain to the tourniquet that binds me
We are home now, the sun won't hurt you anymore

Fell in love with an angel, a heart that isn't cold
Say goodnight, we are dying, just hold on
I've blessed these shadows and tasted every one
They can't steal our love tonight

Love has given me a reason to live
And love has given me a reason to die

Fell in love with an angel, a heart that isn't cold
Say goodnight, we are dying, just hold on
I've blessed these shadows and tasted every one
They can't steal our love tonight

Fell in love with an angel, a heart that isn't cold, isn't cold, isn't cold
I can feel the pain of the sun as it lights up the air
I can taste the hope, it's everywhere...

Love has given me a reason to live
And love has given me a reason to say goodbye

~  Ek mis jou onbeskryflik baie  ~

I forget

I forget to breathe when I’m with you, because to me you become life itself.
I forget not to cry when your beauty, both inside-and-out, calms the storm within me.
I forget about all the treasures in the world when I’m holding your heart in my hands.
I forget that time passes by when my thoughts are holding onto your timeless name.
I forget about winter when the sound of your voice becomes my fireplace.
I forget the stains on my soul while you’re crowning me as your queen.
I forget that I am mortal because I have already found heaven in you.
I forget to be scared when I find myself in your arms’ embrace.
I forget my wounds because your presence heals them instantly.
I forget all the rules when you take my hand and promise never to let go.
I forget that I’m not supposed to love you when in fact I worship you.
I forget to remember who I am when I find my reflection in your eyes.
I forget everything, except you, and why I love you more than life itself.

Close your eyes

Shut your beautiful eyes beloved, please don’t let them in.

They want to reap your soul, deprive you of who you are. They want to look into the ‘I’ of you, dig their filthy nails deep into your wounds, steal your dignity, enhance your fears, treat you like dirt, give you no second chances. They will wipe their feet on your name, smother you while squeezing you into their mould, they will destroy you.



I won’t let them.

For I have drowned in your eyes before. I have seen what lies beyond them.

And thát ..

.. that I will protect with all my life .. and all my love.

Shut your beautiful eyes beloved, hush now .. go to sleep. I am here.

Backspace?

She looked forward to Friday all week long. Weekend. Freedom. Space. Creativity. No masks. Time. No rules. Breathe deep .. inhale slowly.

It has been a good week for her .. to be honest, the best in months. She has been busy. She has made a few decisions, took control, and was found smiling all by herself more than once. She felt strong. In control. Brave.

But she fell more silent as the day progressed.

By nightfall .. she was scared. Not of the dark. She never feared the darkness, ever, for she knew how to find and appreciate the beauty hidden within the shadows.

But that which she anticipated all week long, freedom, space and time, that which was supposed to be her saving grace, became her burden. Every time her thoughts wandered she pusposefully steered them in a specific direction to distract herself.



But it was Friday night. She had freedom. She had space. She had time.

The inevitable happened. There was not enough pressure the following day, Saturday, for it was her day off at work. No deadlines. The people who distracted her during the week were all busy enjoying weekends of their own.

She sighed. He took her hostage once again. And he wasn’t even aware .. he has never been aware.

To start each day without him .. was like stretching your arms in the morning and wanting to get out of bed to start the new day, and find your legs paralysed. Going through the motions .. passive aggressive. Ending each day without him .. was like ..  it was simply like a house built on sand. Bricks without cement holding them together.

It has been such a good week. She has supressed her emotions successfully all week long. Until Friday night .. until tonight.

Until ..

.. she became me.

How do I un-love you?

The Movie On Your Eyelids

[Artist: Placebo]



I always watch you when you're dreaming
Because I know it's not of me
I smoke a dozen cancer sticks
Imagine there are two or three ways
To make you love me
And not dream of someone else
Become the movie on your eyelids

The reflection of yourself
The reflection of yourself

I cry when I listen to you breathing
Because I know there's nothing else
The conscious of that crushing feeling
To know there's no connection left
That we both go through the motions
That we're both living somewhere else
That the movie on your eyelids
Is no reflection of myself
Is no reflection of myself
Is no reflection of myself

I wanna be, I wanna be your movie...
I wanna be, I wanna be your movie...

Why can't you be me?
Why can't you be me?
Why can't you be me?
Why can't you be me?
Be me, be me, be me...

Rewind

I received an sms from one of my friends earlier this week. He told me that he wished we could be children again. I replied that he echoed my sentiments exactly ..

Then, with the phone still in my hand, I started thinking.

Both of us are thirty-something now. Imagine that same sms in say twenty-odd years time. When we wished we could be in our thirties again.

Hmm.

But we are in our thirties NOW. So we owe it to ourselves to make the most of NOW, because we tend to forget that what we make of the present will be the things that we long for in twenty years time.



We are busy writing the stories now that we are going to reminisce about in a few years time. Then today will belong to all the other yesterdays gone by: yesterdays too far out of our reach.

‘One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.’

Carpe Diem .. yes I know. It has become a cliché. Or has it? Aren’t wé the ones turning a deaf ear to the promise those two words hold? The words haven’t changed .. so why should its meaning?

I clearly remember .. one day during my final year at school, all the matric girls had to wear silk stockings to school. Any colour or shape or pattern.

Although I can’t recall the detail with which I decorated mine, I remember that I wore dark black stockings and that I wrote one word with white correction fluid on each calf: Carpe Diem.

And I wanted to change the world.

I guess I must’ve forgotten .. that change begins with oneself. Time .. I can write chapters about time. About every single dimension of time.

And how we have too little of it.

We have now. Each and every one of us breathing .. we have now. Question is: what are we going to do with it?

Ek is dankbaar die kinders in ons het mekaar gevind.

Word Stains

My hand is resting heavily on the empty page before me. Five cold fingers wrapped too tightly around the pen in my hand. Momentarily turning it into a dagger as I prepare to carve my thoughts onto the paper, leaving a dark trail of wet ink behind every stroke of the pen.

I stare at the page motionless while listening to the voice of Nathaniel Hawthorne echoing in my mind:

“Words, so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.”

What a beautiful bouquet of words ..

The sweet scent of which lingers in my mind as I ponder and try to comprehend and appreciate the true meaning and full extent of what this wise man has said.



Whether I am holding a pen in my hand or staring at a blank screen with my fingers hovering in anticipation above the keyboard .. the nature of the words my thoughts give birth to will reflect back at the object in my hand.

Will I use those words as a dagger to afflict pain? Will I use it to draw a cuddly soft blanket to wrap around someone’s weary soul? Will I be holding a plaster to try and mend a broken heart somewhere out there? Will it become a weapon with which I retalliate?

Perhaps, hmmm .. perhaps my words might even leave my hands empty. Open. Able to pull an anonymous pare of eyes out there closer and embrace the person behind them .. because my words might show compassion, understanding, unconditional acceptance, patience, love?

My hand is resting heavily on the still empty page before me.

My fingers are numb, suddenly paralysed by my hunger, desire, yearning for being able to paint with words. To be able to do good with words. Change the world with words. Heal with words. Forgive with words. Make music with words. Love with words.

Turn
Back
Time
With
Words

Close-up

oh what lovely dress you have
velvet and satin and fine black lace
a victorian lady in the light of day
raven dark hair and a porcelain face

but woe the day you break that mould
with dark black smudges under your eyes
a pale white face and scarlet lips
you’ve gotto be one of the devil’s spies

mirror mirror on the wall
who’s reflection is that I see
the poison-girl-drama-queen in their eyes
or the failure known as lil’ old me?

© 13.07.2009

Reënwoorde

JADED BROWN

the pouring rain running across my face
taking with it the colour of my eyes
faded now the windows to my soul
my love for you was my demise

© 12.07.2009


WORDS FAIL

this place
an empty space
not a trace
of your face
leather and lace
no more grace
slowing the pace
for death’s embrace

© 12.07.2009

Remember this face, baby

[Artist: I Am Ghost]



I haven't felt this way in a long time
And it scares me
What are these voices that tell me that I'm ugly and fake?
And I think they might be right
I'm nothing
And I have no heart
It's quite possibly, I have no soul
Drugs can't help me anymore
And I think I'm dying
We're both dying
Really,
But sooner than others, I think,
My time is now,
And I burned the bodies to the ground,
I saw faces turned to ash,
And I remember these faces, baby,
Because it's the last thing you'll ever see,
Too bad it's not as good looking as you like
I'm already dead
And I think I'll take you,
I'll take you with me