What then

.. is the fcuking meaning of life; the point of my being here?

The Dungeon Within

Ek wens ek kon my vingers soos ysterkloue in die grond slaan:

.. hard, koud en gewetenloos.

En die growwe tekstuur van die sandkorrels in my handpalms te voel terwyl my gebalde vuiste dit gevange neem en daarna eenkant toe strooi en loslaat in die asem van die wind.

Ek grou al hoe dieper. Die tekstuur van die sand word klam en begin onder my naels vassit. Die reuk van vars grond penetreer my sintuie en soos ‘n hond wat bloed ruik grawe ek met hernude ywer.

My hande brand soos vuur en my vingerpunte is rooi van die wrywing. Ek grawe voor my agter my rondom my. Ek wil n gat grawe so diep en groot soos die een in my wat nie gevul kan word nie.

Ek wil die hele alfabet hier begrawe, want letters spel jou naam. Letters vorm woorde, en woorde het hulle magic vir my verloor. Want woorde voltooi die sinne wat jy nie kon nie. Woorde trek hulleself uit sodat jou leuens naak voor my staan. Sinne trek los soos linte wat eens op n tyd wapperende strikke in die wind was.

My hand brand. Ek kyk af, my handpalm bewend na bo gedraai. Die bloed sypel stadig deur die grond wat aan my hand vaskleef soos ou gedagtes wat nie wil laat los nie. Ek het my hand gesny teen n stuk versplinterde glas wat in die grond begrawe was.

Ek tel die glas op terwyl die bloed n amper swart moddertraan teen my arm laat afloop. Ek gaan sit op die grond, my nou loodswaar arms kruis rustend op my opgetrekte kniee. Daar is n skemerlig om my .. ek verstaan nie want dit is tog nog vroeg.

Totdat ek stadig om my rondkyk en besef .. ek het die gat te diep om my gegrawe en sit nou in die kern daarvan. Ek sit kruisbeen op die bodem van n oop graf. Die skemerlig het my skaduwee ingesluk. Hier onder is ek niks meer as die maskerlose kontras tussen die lig en donker op my gesig nie.

Ek kyk af na die stuk glas in my hand.

Agter my glasruit .. vir nou is ek meer blind as jy ..

Remember The Forgotten

fire burn me
rain dissolve me
wind erase me
earth bury me

you ..

will
you
even
remember
my
name
?

you ..

you - the fire that once rekindled my existence
you - the rain that washed away my fears
you - the wind beneath my wings
you - the earth around which my life evolved

you ..

will
you
even
remember
my
name
?

Unintended

[Artist: Muse]


You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

No Time To Cry

[Artist: The Sisters Of Mercy / Cover: Cradle of Filth]

It's just a feeling
I get sometimes
A feeling
Sometimes
And I get frightened
Just like you
I get frightened too
but it's...

(no no no) No time for heartache
(no no no) No time to run and hide
(no no no) No time for breaking down
(no no no) No time to cry

Sometimes in the world as is you've
Got to shake the hand that feeds you
It's just like Adam says
It's not so hard to understand
It's just like always coming down on
Just like Jesus never came and
What did you expect to find
It's just like always here again it's...

(no no no) No time for heartache
(no no no) No time to run and hide
(no no no) No time for breaking down
(no no no) No time to cry

Everything will be alright
Everything will turn out fine
Some nights I still can't sleep
And the voices pass with time
And I keep

[repeat]

No time for tears
No time to run and hide
No time to be afraid of fear
I keep no time to cry

(no no no) No time for heartache
(no no no) No time to run and hide
(no no no) No time for breaking down
(no no no) No time to cry

The Gypsywoman and the Moon

I slowly draw the curtains closed
blinded by the light of the darkness
as a quarter of the rising moon
bids my upside down setting smile farewell

the stars melt in the corners of my eyes
drowning the seams of the mask on my face
a tide of memories washes away but not
rinsing the symphony of your name on my lips

© 26.10.2009

Twaalf

Ek click ‘publish post’ en staar na die twaalf lyne voor my op die skerm.

Twaalf eenvoudige (skynbaar sinnelose) lyne wat meer as twaalf komplekse (belangrikste) maande (van my lewe) verteenwoordig.

Twaalf lyne wat nie rym nie, twaalf lyne wat meer verweef is as die persiese tapyt waarop ek die spreekwoordelike ‘magic carpet ride’ doen na n wereld waar jy nie hééltemal so ver is nie.

n Konstruksie van twaalf lyne wat in hul argitektuur eintlik maar net in twaalf eenvoudige rou eerlike woorde sê:

ek
sal
nooit
weer
in
hierdie
lewe
iemand
so
lief
hê
nie

let me exhale safely
into the palm of your hand
while you reap my soul and
witness the rising of the wraith

the ice in my breath
piercing your skin with flames
the living dead girl I am I said
flesh attached to a shadow

deprived of poetic rhythmic rhymes
my words melt like burning candles
the (wh)y in ‘you’ belongs to me
my answers frozen within your heart

© 25.10.2009

Walking in Circles

My voetspore vorm ‘n stippellyn op die sand. ‘n Stippellyn, hmm. Wat is dit anders as ‘n gebreekte lyn? A line being incomplete. Ek kyk langs my, daar weerkaats net één skaduwee: myne. Sonder jou hand in myne sal die buitelyne van my menswees altyd net stippels wees: stukkies van ‘n gebreekte lyn.


[Artist: Linkin Park]

Quiet
Everyone's sleeping through life
Afraid that their questions
Just might have answers
Quiet
Everyone shut off their mind
So I'll turn on mine

Alone in a world
With millions of souls
Walking in Circles
Trapped in their dreams
Unhealthy, unclean
Walking in Circles, now
Do not disturb
Scream in silence
Everyone's sleeping

Quiet
We're living inside of our mouths
Afraid someone just might
Hear what we're thinking
Quiet
Careful of what you might say
'cause they'll put you away

Alone in a world
With millions of souls
Walking in circles
Trapped in their dreams
Unhealthy, unclean
Walking in Circles, now
Do not disturb
Scream in silence
Everyone's sleeping

[Solo:]

Alone in a world
With millions of souls
Walking in circles
Trapped in their dreams
Unhealthy, unclean
Walking in Circles, now
Do not disturb
Scream in silence
Everyone's sleeping

Alone in a world (Walking in circles, now)
With millions of souls (Walking in circles, now)
Walking in circles
Alone in a world (Walking in circles)
With millions of souls (Walking in circles)
Walking in circles, now
Do not disturb
Scream in silence
Everyone's sleeping

Wonder

Sommer iets van 'n paar maande gelede wat vandag aanhoudend by my spook.

met uitgestrekte arms wat my lankal nie meer verwelkom nie
staan jy in ‘n veld vol van gister se onthou
jou loodswaar kop geboë na die grond
steek die vlak gevoelens in jou diep-donker oë vir my weg

jy hou wag oor die kom en gaan van die seisoene
terwyl die herfsblare teen jou verlamde lyf vaswaai
en ek soekend op die grond na vergifnis tas
in die skadu van jou kruis-kloon-silhouette

jy stap sonder spore geanker op een plek
harteloos by my verby
ek kniel op die grond met ‘n hand vol strooi
en wonder was jy net so kléin bietjie lief vir my

(c) 07.05.2009

Mirage

I was busy making my bed this morning, still half asleep and visually unable to differentiate between which black goes where. So I just kept my eyes closed and read the textures of each with my fingers, making my bed in the process.

Half of my conscious mind was still caught in the toils of my dream a few minutes earlier .. where I could see you, touch you. My thoughts lingered there, unwilling to face the reality of your absence staring back at me when I open my eyes.


As I put the pillows down, it struck me that it took me years to find myself .. and once I have .. I lost me. How come it is so hard to find me again? Why does it feel as if my shadow is running away from me, leaving me trapped and alone inside this body.

Or is that who I have become: a somebody .. anybody .. nobody?

Hmm, wish I could invite Robert Brault for a cup of coffee and ask him to convince me that ‘Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life - and it was you. It is not too late to find that person again.’

Anthem of the Angels

I have said my last goodbye.

But I have also told you that, by your choice, I’ll be the one to walk in when the rest of the world walks out on you, come what may.

Together forever .. I refuse to give up on you, as I wave my last goodbye.



[Artist: Breaking Benjamin]

White walls surround us
No light will touch your face again
Rain taps the window
As we sleep among the dead
Days go on forever
But I have not left your side
We can chase the dark together
If you go then so will I

There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye

Cold light above us
Hope fills the heart
And fades away
Skin as white as winter
As the sky returns to grey
Days go on forever
But I have not left your side
We can chase the dark together
If you go then so will I

There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
I keep holding onto you
But I can’t bring you back to life
Sing the anthem of the angels
Then say the last goodbye

You’re dead alive
You’re dead alive
You’re dead alive
You’re dead alive

There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
I keep holding onto you
But I can’t bring you back to life
Sing the anthem of the angels
Then say the last goodbye

Alone Wanderer

This picture captivates my attention.

The words to accompany it are still growing within me ...



[Artist: BoukalJan]

Trapped

I had a weird experience a few nights ago.

I dreamt of myself dreaming. It was a nightmare, as per usual. I had to escape from what I perceived to be a threat. There was a struggle but fortunately, and much to my relief at the time, I woke up.


Just to find I was still within my actual dream! And the struggle wasn’t over at all. I had to conquer one more level before I would regain consciousness and really wake up.

I have omitted plenty of detail. But it really wasn’t a pleasant experience, literally being trapped within the walls of your own nightmare, exposed to danger and confined to fear .. and being fully aware of it.

Making me the prisoner with the key in my hand.

The birth of October 12th

I await midnight as I witness the birth of October 12, 2009.

So many words, so many emotions, so many ways to express myself. Yet all of it resides in a single tear running softly along the contours of my face.

I am a broken melody.
I have forgotten the words to my own song.

The candle beside me is weeping.

I pick up the violin and rest the side of my face on the palm of its cold open hand.

Every stroke of the bow cuts deeper into my soul as this legato passage cries your name and the absence of your staccato applause echoes in a deafening silence.

I was your anthem once.

How did I mistake your symphony for a requiem?

I lower the violin and lie it down on the table in front of me. Then I turn my head towards the candle, fold my hands around it as if to pray .. then we wheep together, the candle and I.

This flame belongs to you. Happy Birthday.

Illusion

You sent me this picture exactly a year ago.

We used to talk a year ago.

I love you more than a year ago.



you gave me love
then took it away
first made me whole
then watched me decay

Would it matter

And I ask myself .. would it REALLY matter?



[Artist: Skillet]

V1
if I wasn’t here tomorrow would anybody care
if my time was up I’d wanna know
You were happy I was there

if I wasn’t here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep
if I wasn’t hard and hollow
Then maybe you would miss me

Pre
I know I’m a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I’d like better
I can never forget, so don’t remind me of it forever

Chorus
What if I just pulled myself together
Would it matter at all
What if I just tried not to remember
Would it matter at all
All the chances that have passed me by
Would it matter if I gave it one more try
Would it matter at all

V2
if I wasn’t here tomorrow would anybody care
Still stuck inside this sorrow
I got nothin’ and going nowhere

Post bridge
I know I’m a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I’d like better
Can you help me forget, don’t wanna feel like this forever

Outro
If I left tomorrow would anybody care
Stuck in this sorrow
Going nowhere

Dear Agony

[Artist: Breaking Benjamin]



I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy whithin
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Dear Agony

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

And I will find the enemy within
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Leave me alone
God let me go
I'm blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There's nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

I feel nothing anymore

Her Ghost in the Fog

During the day she dwelled in the woods, becoming one with the shadows of the trees. Barely visible to the untrained eye. Her footsteps were as quiet as the whisper of the wind.

Most of the times she silently observed the travellers passing by, lurking in the shadows. She prevented eye contact with them at all times, because eye contact immediately placed a responsibility towards them on her shoulders. Eye contact requires some kind of reaction. It is like peeking from behind the curtains when somebody rings the doorbell. You don’t open up and invite them in, but they know you’re there, alive, breathing, thinking, feeling. As long as they avoided direct contact with her, she wouldn’t harm them.

Legend has it that late in the afternoon when the birds return to their nests, you can softly hear her chant, if you’re one of the chosen ones. That’s right, up until this very day she won’t allow anyone to hear her voice, except a chosen few.

Apparently she has the ability of looking into the mirror of your soul. And based on what she observes beneath the surface of the skin, she decides whom she will trust with the vague sound of her voice.

You will never find her beside a pool of water during the day, regardless of how peaceful or serene it is. For she fears her reflection. Especially during the day she prefers to stay close to running water, distorting the view of herself, momentarily making it more bearable.



Once upon a time, in a lifetime prior to this one, she was introduced to the girl in the looking glass. They despised one another. She tried to make her peace with the girl in the looking glass, because maybe she was prejudiced or didn’t have an objective view on the picture staring back at her.

Hence she decided to look through the window of other people’s eyes and borrow their opinion on what she saw. The outcome was exactly the same, in some cases, even worse. Since that day her reflection became her worst enemy and she avoided it wherever possible.

But once the sun nods its’ head and quietly rests itself on the horizon, twilight gently takes her hand and slowly guides her out of the shadows into the open moonlit spaces.

And she spontaneously starts playing hopscotch in the clearing beneath the trees. She rolls the dice of life, gives one jump forward and balances herself with difficulty on only one leg. Because that is all that life grants you sometimes, one leg to stand on in a very limited space. Borders. There are always borders.

The sound of the dice rolling, dancing nearly, before it lazily falls over to one side, teazing her anticipation of what is to follow. And she can thankfully place both her feet on the ground, feel the soles of her feet embrace the rough texture of the ground.

She gains confidence in this game.

Then suddenly .. again .. over and over .. she stumbles with open eyes across your name.

She stumbles ..

Your name ..

I fall ..