Your forgotten yesterday

winter has forgotten me outside your window
my numb fingers paralyzed by the cold
frozen palms held pleading towards you
the hands you’ve forgotten to hold

© 19.06.2009

It's a fine day

Today was a good day. I missed you, too much as usual.

On my way to work this morning, I listened to one of the songs you picked for me on a day when I was scared and the walls simply came too close for me to breathe. But you knew .. you knew that I understood the language of music and that it was the only way you would be able to hold my fear in your hands and comfort it. I arrived at work with a silent smile.

I left work, tired, after an extremely busy day. But instead of longing for your 16:30 sms when I reached home, I focussed on the times it brought me joy. Almost every day I would await that sms: asking what I was up to or how my day was? And how that ‘same’ intro line would pull the curtains on a unique conversation every single night.

Tonight, I was sifting through our time ‘together’ and found you haven’t labelled or judged me once. I was the one who refused to accept me. You understood every part of me, without me having to explain, as though you have written the script yourself and knew beforehand.



You looked at me, through me, beyond me .. and you knew. No questions asked. You accepted me as a person, embraced my soul, touched my heart, empowered me to lift my head, with the crown resting firmly on it ..

Why? I realise .. tonight, right now, for the first time .. you have always placed yourself in a rank lower than mine, always one step behind, always one level lower.

Why .. oh why .. if all that I have ever done is dare to walk in your shadow? If the only way of seeing you was by looking up, turning my head towards the sun? If the only way to touch you was to kneel at the feet of a giant?

I know .. nothing can be undone. And I respect that. I only wish for the opportunity .. only once .. of having you look at you ..

.. through my eyes.

I have re-discovered something today, which underlined the words which were already carved somewhere in my heart:

‘Never give up on the people you love.’

Dark Light

Winter lingers outside my window, and yet I can feel its’ ice cold grip around my heart.

My tears seem to have frozen, although that doesn’t mean I have stopped crying. The sound of my laughter has lost its’ echo, the candles in my eyes no longer shine their light.

My ears have forgotten the sound of your voice, although I will recognize it amongst a million others. It’s like remembering the lyrics of your favourite song, but losing the melody somewhere along the way. Did the wind become too stubborn to carry the music of your voice to my ears? Or have I .. I haven't forgotten it .. could I??



Why is my memory of parts of you slipping away? And why does it keep on hurting all the same? Why do my hands still wish they could hold each and every one of your fears; call them by their names and put them to sleep forever?

How come I remember everything .. except my own name? Everything except who I am .. or am supposed to be? When did I become the hostage you didn’t even know you held as a prisoner?

When, please tell me when, did I start loving you .. more than life itself?

Time embraced

It’s the year 2009.

It’s halfway through 2009 actually .. I can’t seem to remember where the past few months have gone. You feel a hundred years away from me, and yet the wound is so tender as though it happened five minutes ago.

It’s 2009. That is what got me thinking. In this day and age where technology has no limits and when answers don’t exist, sollutions are created. Simple as that.

Hmm, but the hands of time still remain untouched. They refuse to turn back. And it seems to be the same with love. It isn’t something that can merely be undone. It has a will of its own.

So where do I go from here? I have accepted the fact that you won’t be turning around in my direction in this lifetime. I know you too well. When you walk away you cut every single rope and won’t show any mercy towards a single thread. I have made my peace with that.

But that doesn’t solve my problem. I can’t put what I feel into a box and bury it. I cannot close my eyes and pretend it will go away. I am unable to drown it, both underwater or in a glass filled with crimson coloured tears. It doesn’t come in the shape of a knot that I can untie.

If I am true to myself there is no way I can deny the existence of how I feel. That’s just the way it is. I realise there is no use in nurturing those feelings or embracing them, but I am stuck with them regardless.



I have tried to hate you. That proved unsuccessful. I have twisted every single feeling of hurt into a reason why your name should fill me with rage, but I was unable to find a reason to regret that you have crossed my path.

I have realised that, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I fight it, no matter how despicable you find me .. when I roll the credits at the end of my life .. YOUR name will feature in one of the lead roles.

I’ve heard your voice echo in the following words: ‘Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.’

Until you make peace with who you are .. peace .. with who you are ..

Hmm. You’re my halo .. even now that you are gone. The open ending you have left me with, forced me to think. Forced me to go to war with myself, and I am learning and discovering new things with every passing day.

One of them .. that I won’t find you in every new tomorrow. Someone once sent me the following words. I wasn’t as appreciative of them at the time .. but now I understand and treasure them .. and wish I could pass them on to you.

‘Understand how beautifully God has added another one more day in your life.

Not because you need it, but because someone else needs you!’

I find myself miming the words with H.I.M. .. ‘my heaven is wherever you are’ .. but for now I need to hold on to the lessons you have taught me. I have to DO something constructive with it, I need to apply that wisdom in my everyday life, become a better me .. to prevent the pain from being in vain.

From áll the things you taught me .. I think the biggest lesson .. was the ability to love .. and to open my mind to the concept and possibility of being loved in return. Even .. even if it's not by you.

(Y)our hands

I love your hands.

I love your eyes, your voice, your smile, your stare, your laughter, you ..

But I love your hands.

I found myself unconscious once, in a dark and sinister place. I felt the gentle touch of a hand on my shoulder, and the voice of an angel saying ‘come with me .. take my hand .. I won’t let you fall apart’ ..

I held out my hand, unable to see the beautiful stranger, and suddenly felt the palm of his hand against mine. His hands were cold .. yet they burned me when we touched.



With the palms of our hands against each other, his fingers interlocked with mine and he pulled me to my feet. Thén, that very moment, I knew I was safe.

Those hands would become .. E V E R Y T H I N G ..

They would become my anchors, my crutches, my handlebars. They became the hands of an artist, who could draw me wings. The hands of a writer who could rearrange the words in súch a way that it would unlock a whole new world to me. The hands of someone who knew hard work and sacrifice. Hands that knew exactly when to catch my falling tears or when to read my smile with its fingertips.

They were hands that could forgive, hands that would hold on no matter what would come our way, hands that were willing to fight for me, hands that would protect me, love me, consider second chances.

They were the hands belonging to the beautiful stranger, standing with his arms wrapped around me, his back turned as defence towards anything or anybody that could possibly do me any harm.

They were your hands. They became my fortress.

I find myself unconscious in a dark and sinister place. I see a shadow standing outside the window. When did the distance become so far?

I crawl towards the window .. I look up at the fingerprints left on the glass .. and recognize them. They are the same ones left inside my heart, on my soul, in every breath I take.



I try to get up, stand on my knees at first, until I find something to hold on to, a concrete memory of you. I can barely stand up straight on my own. But I lift my hand and touch the glass. I am scared, vulnerable. For suddenly ..

Suddenly the hand reaching out to me .. belongs to my reflection. Me .. against myself.  I can’t see you .. yet .. I can still feel you – even so far away.

Our hands now pressed against the glass ..

Your Name

I breathe your name. It fills my lungs, where I hold it for a stolen moment, as long as I am able to. I taste your name every time I do not say it out loud, when it dissolves on the tip of my tongue, like candy floss, and I am left with nothing but its’ sweet taste.

I hear your name spoken in dreams. I hear it in the patter of the rain, in the whisper of the wind, in the crashing of the waves against the rocks late at night when the stars shine bright and there is a circle glowing around the moon. I hear it in the lyrics of songs. I hear it .. articulated .. when I listen to my heart.



I see your name when I write it in the sand. When I read your text messages over and over. When I dwell on the paragraphs you wrote to me in the past. When I make coffee, just the way you like it, and the steam writes your name in the air. When I think of the Bible and recognize you as the one He has put on my path: His son .. my sun.

I feel your name, every single morning, when it becomes the hands that pull me out of bed into a brand new day. I feel it in every single thing I do, for you are my reason for being alive. Whether I do the dishes or write a poem, my hands are holding onto the handles of your name. My legs are depending on your name, for it has become the crutches that enables every next step. My wings, for you are really the wind beneath.

I smell your name, when I spell it by laying the petals before His feet, whispering my wishes to the Almighty Ear. When I kneel before Him and my knees crush those leaves, releasing the sweet scent I have come to know everytime your name filters through the cracks of my prayers, dedicating the spaces between my words to you.

Your name: my music, my oxygen, my wings, my path, my compass ..

My love ..

My reason ..

My life ..

My Silent Suffocation

what a beautiful mourning
as my tears become one with the rain
safe in the arms of sorrow
my heart a wreath of pain

i dwell in unrequited love
every waking hour
beautiful stranger don’t you see
my soul was yours to devour

© 04.06.2009

Skadu's teen die muur

FACE OF GOD

[Artist: H.I.M.]



I'm drained but aching for more
And the devil inside is reading
The words of the saddest poem
To be engraved on the stone of my grave

I'd kill to share your pain
(And carry the shame)
And sell my soul for you just to say

I dream what you're dreaming
And feel what you're feeling
Love's our shadow on the wall
With the face of god

Nothing will be enough
For the ones Who keep on stumbling
In the garden of withering trust
Without the courage to leave

Oh I'd take my life for your kiss
(Grant me my wish)
And lose it all to take you across the abyss

I dream what you're dreaming
And feel what you're feeling
Love's our shadow on the wall
With the face of god

You dream what I'm Dreaming
And See what I'm seeing
Love's our shadow on the wall
With the Face of God

Labrynth in a shape of a heart
Love's secret architecture
I find myself to be lost in the
Arms of your fate

I'd kill to share you pain
(And carry the shame)
And sell my soul for you just to say
Love's name in vein
Again and again

I dream what you're dreaming
And feel what you're feeling
Love's our shadow on the wall
With the face of god

You dream what I'm Dreaming
And See what I'm seeing
Love's our shadow on the wall
With the face of god
Love's our shadow on the wall
With the face of
(Face of)
The face of
(Face of)
God

(Face of)
God

Ballad of a Lost Soul

I remember the rhythm of our waltz: one step forward and two steps back.

I look in the rear view mirror of my memory of you, and yet, despite moving forward in reverse, with every footstep we somehow managed to write our names in the sand.

I find myself there often, retracing the dotted line of our last song. As if the soles of my bare feet want to read the texture of the surface in braille.

It hurts. Holding onto a dream that only existed in my world. These past few months have been a living hell. There are reminders of you in every song, in every wish, in every single shadow.

When .. how .. why did I become the monster that you despise? I turn around and look at my reflection in the mirror through your eyes .. and I hate what I see .. I hate what I see the same way you do when you look at me.

Then I turn back to look at your picture. My hands are shaking. The photo is blurring. I’m drowning in your eyes over and over again. I am filled with rage, but once again paralysed by my love for you.

My body is softly swaying. I wish my soul could slow dance with yours one last time.

Suddenly the songs don’t have lyrics. Wishes are flames turning to dust. Shadows seem empty.

I lov..
I’ll leav..
I’m sorr..

I ..