It’s halfway through 2009 actually .. I can’t seem to remember where the past few months have gone. You feel a hundred years away from me, and yet the wound is so tender as though it happened five minutes ago.
It’s 2009. That is what got me thinking. In this day and age where technology has no limits and when answers don’t exist, sollutions are created. Simple as that.
Hmm, but the hands of time still remain untouched. They refuse to turn back. And it seems to be the same with love. It isn’t something that can merely be undone. It has a will of its own.
So where do I go from here? I have accepted the fact that you won’t be turning around in my direction in this lifetime. I know you too well. When you walk away you cut every single rope and won’t show any mercy towards a single thread. I have made my peace with that.
But that doesn’t solve my problem. I can’t put what I feel into a box and bury it. I cannot close my eyes and pretend it will go away. I am unable to drown it, both underwater or in a glass filled with crimson coloured tears. It doesn’t come in the shape of a knot that I can untie.
If I am true to myself there is no way I can deny the existence of how I feel. That’s just the way it is. I realise there is no use in nurturing those feelings or embracing them, but I am stuck with them regardless.
I have tried to hate you. That proved unsuccessful. I have twisted every single feeling of hurt into a reason why your name should fill me with rage, but I was unable to find a reason to regret that you have crossed my path.
I have realised that, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I fight it, no matter how despicable you find me .. when I roll the credits at the end of my life .. YOUR name will feature in one of the lead roles.
I’ve heard your voice echo in the following words: ‘Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.’
Until you make peace with who you are .. peace .. with who you are ..
Hmm. You’re my halo .. even now that you are gone. The open ending you have left me with, forced me to think. Forced me to go to war with myself, and I am learning and discovering new things with every passing day.
One of them .. that I won’t find you in every new tomorrow. Someone once sent me the following words. I wasn’t as appreciative of them at the time .. but now I understand and treasure them .. and wish I could pass them on to you.
‘Understand how beautifully God has added another one more day in your life.
Not because you need it, but because someone else needs you!’
I find myself miming the words with H.I.M. .. ‘my heaven is wherever you are’ .. but for now I need to hold on to the lessons you have taught me. I have to DO something constructive with it, I need to apply that wisdom in my everyday life, become a better me .. to prevent the pain from being in vain.
From áll the things you taught me .. I think the biggest lesson .. was the ability to love .. and to open my mind to the concept and possibility of being loved in return. Even .. even if it's not by you.
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