Not in a good place

dark spaces
empty faces
the silence of a scream

you lived in my head
left me for dead
pieces of a broken dream

© 17.01.2010

Tessa, vyf maande oud vandag.
Hoop jy word gou gesond. xx

Exhausted

You were my T-shaped angel, a scarecrow with wings.

I have heard a lot about angels, but until I met you, no .. until you found me .. those tales have only been rumours.

You hid your halo, because you understood that, for me to see you in my monochrome world, I needed the shadows to highlight the contours of your face.

Time paused in your presence .. words like never and forever didn’t exist .. for it was only the here and now that mattered, that was real.

Time .. changed us, opened your eyes, blindfolded mine.

Time .. And now the hourglass is choking on my dreams ..

Te lank al

[Artist: Anna Davel]



Ek weet jy wil nie huis toe gaan nie
en ek weet jy kan nie die dop laat staan nie
en jy klou aan iets wat jy self nie verstaan nie
ek weet jy hardloop vir solank al, te lank al te lank al

ek weet jou huur is al lankal due
en baby ek weet hulle gaan jou sue
ek weet dit sal weer beter gaan
ek weet jy hardloop vir solank al, te lank al te lank al te lank al

ek weet jy wil van als vergeet en jouself begrawe in die see se sweet
want die water sal vergifnis bring
en die sout sal invryf in die plek waar jou seer begin

ek weet jy wil van als vergeet
en jouself begrawe in die see se sweet
want die water sal vergifnis bring
en die rotse oor jou weerloosheid laat sing

ek weet jy's vir almal bang en kwaad
en ek weet jy blame haar vir jou eie haat
ek weet jy gee alles om net iets te voel
ek weet jy hardloop vir solank al, te lank al, te lank al

ek weet jy't nie meer lief uit liefde nie
ek weet hulle gebruik jou en jy keer dit nie
ek weet jy't nodig om vry te wees
ek weet jy hardloop vir solank al, te lank al, te lank al te lank al

Homecoming 18: Die trappe van gister se onthou

Ek beweeg al makliker by die trappe op. Motories.

Sonder om te dink, te voel of te probeer onthou.

Een voet voor die ander, op my sokkies soos altyd. Geluidloos. n Middel tot n doel.

Ek stap verby die spieels in die gange, sonder om in hulle rigting te kyk. Ek hou die deure gesluit, behalwe vir die badkamer en my slaapkamer, wat lei na die balkon.

Die rame wat jou foto’s vashou le almal met hul gesigte na onder.

Once upon a time I was a dreamer .. and you were my dream. Your magnificent soul was the bait with which you lured me closer to you.

Close enough to feel your breath against my hand as my fingers reached out to read the contours of your face: exploring the reasons for the frown on your forehead, searching for ways to make the corners of your mouth turn upwards in a smile, understanding the sadness hidden between the fine lines around the most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen.


When I woke from that dream, the breath against my hand was the goodbye you never said when you turned around and walked away towards a better tomorrow for you.

And all that remained of me was a ghost of the person I once thought I could be. A faceless shadow trapped within an emptiness, so vast and abstract .. that it becomes concrete.

You buried me alive .. and you did it on purpose. That probably hurt the most. Off course I know that I am not good enough, I only need a mirror to remind me of that, but I wanted to hear you say it, admit it, nonetheless.

Do you know that ‘you will never be able to love you like me.’ Ever.

While you forget to bring me flowers here in this open grave, I can’t help but appreciate the fact ‘how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.’

Ek gaan sit in die middel van die stel trappe met my arms gevou om my kniee.

I Am Ghost.

En ek voel hoe jou asem deur my waai ..

Homecoming 17: Her ghost in the fog

Ek is hier ..

Hmm. Waar is hier? Ek weet nie meer nie.

Want ek het nog altyd in my Spooklaghuis gewoon, met hart en siel. En nou .. is ek soos die Spook van Plot 13. Wie sou kon dink?

rustelose swerwersiel
beweeg ek geluidloos deur die gange
van gister se onthou

met loodswaar arms
en geboë hoof
soek ek nimmereindigend na jou

Dis nuwejaar. Maande het verloop in wat voel soos netnou. Tyd hardloop op n treadmill, want dit vlieg op pad na nêrens.

Ek onthou nog die koue kus van winter. Maar lente en somer het soos herfsblare amper ongesiens verby my voete gewaai.


Dis vroegoggend. Ek strompel toegedraai in die newels van my slaap na die voorstoep. Die son was voor my wakker. Maar hier in my woud vertoef die skemer so bietjie langer as gewoonlik en beskerm die ruig blare-dak my teen die vroegoggend kielie-vingers van die son.

Asjas is besig om n duisendpoot te ontmasker wat doodspeel op die grond. Ek trek my longe vol van die vars lug, aromaties gegeur met al die plantegroei in die omgewing.

Alles om my is mooi groen. En daar is n kaleidoskoop van kleur met al die plante wat besig is om te blom. Baie van die blommetjies slaap nog en le so bietjie in terwyl hulle vir die hemelse flits wag om op hulle te skyn.

Ek luister na die voëls wat in hul chorus amper-bly klink om my te sien. Ek probeer erkennend glimlag, maar my oë en mondhoeke praat nie dieselfde taal nie.

Asjas wag geduldig vir die duisendpoot om weer te begin loop. Ek beny skielik die kat vir sy geduld. Geloof. Hoop.

Ek wil nie dadelik ingaan nie, al verlang ek na n beker warm koffie. My vaskyk in die spieels daarbinne het my n paar goed laat besef. Maar dis realiteite waarin ek nie nou dadelik wil vaskyk nie.

Dalk sit ek nog so n bietjie langer op die stoep ..

Time?

'2009' : from hero to zero

There were three knocks against the door. Slowly. Timed.

As I made my way towards the door, not expecting any company, the handle moved and the door was slowly opened by a dark shapeless shadow standing in front of me, similar to a Wraith.

Faceless. But it’s eyes blinding my own, piercing my heart.

It didn’t speak a word, but demanded my mask. I took it off my face and handed it over without any protest, almost hypnotized by the empty presence of this powerful force standing in front of me.


Sadness has come for me. With a vengeance.

It took me hostage and I surrendered, willingly. It had full control over me.

Today, a year ago you were on the road looking for me.

Because somehow you lost me along the way. You missed my soul next to you, my hand in yours, the way we used to race down the hill on your bicycle, you missed .. me.

My walk with you was one to remember.
My hand in joune.
Jou hart in myne.

Once upon a yesterday ..

you
missed
me

But that was a year ago ..

:((

A day to be alone

[Artist: One Less Reason]

She said I wonder when it'll be my day
'Cause I'm not too far from breaking down
And all I’ve got are screams inside
But somehow they come out in a smile
And I'm wondering if I'll always feel this way, this way

(Chorus)
Tell me about those nights you stayed awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone
Than being stuck here with me
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you just took the long way home
But baby you could never love you … like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror you'll see a smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me, yea me

One day you're gonna see things my way
You gave me so much room that I can't breathe
When all I've got are pictures to view
There was nothing before it all started with you
For some reason it's supposed to be that way, that way

(Chorus)
Tell me about those nights you stayed awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone
Than being stuck here with me
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you just took the long way home
But baby you could never love you … like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror you'll see a smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me, yea me

If I could shrink it down and put it in your hands
We made it hurt so much, I can't forget the past
Just tell me what to say, show me what to do
Then I can forgive me and I would forgive you

(Chorus)
And maybe you've fallen down
And maybe you just took the long way home
But baby you will never love you … like me
And one day this will fade away
In the mirror you'll see a smiling face
And standing next to you will always be me
You know will always be me
And I will wait, always be me, yea
Till I see your smiling…

Escape

a shadow ahead in my past
as you walk closer away from me
silhouette soldier’s eb and flow
drowning me deeper in your sea

your current takes my hand
as it waltzes me to the core
where truth be told, you will be mine
forever nevermore

(c) 03.01.2010

Dreamcatcher

Dreamcatchers. Wiki whispered the following:

"Only good dreams would be allowed to filter through . . . Bad dreams would stay in the net, disappearing with the light of day. Good dreams would pass through and slide down the feathers to the sleeper.”

Another version was, "Good dreams pass through the center hole to the sleeping person. The bad dreams are trapped in the web, where they perish in the light of dawn."

I don’t cry often. But my soul weeps.

Where I find myself now, I am unable to see people or distinguish their faces. I close my eyes, and it is dark. I open my eyes, and it remains dark. But I feel their arms around me, their hands on my shoulders.

And then I feel it. A tear running across the contour of my face.

And for once, I let it be.

Daardie traan is gebore uit dankbaarheid. Vir hierdie vlerklose engele wat n kring om my staan. Vlerkloos want hulle het hul vlerke, elkeen op sy of haar manier, afgebreek en vir my gegee .. sodat ek kon vlieg. Hoog naby die son, waar die strale warm skyn en die uitsig snak-asem mooi is.


'n Paar van hulle is besig om hier te lees, maar die beskeie en onselfsugtige wyse waarop hulle van hulself aan my gegee het, maak hulle onherkenbaar .. vir hulleself. Want hulle sien hulself nie as engele nie. Elkeen dink hy of sy kruis my pad met n pot vol vere .. maar dis vere waarmee ek nuwe vlerke kan bou!

I wish I could be a dreamcatcher to each and every one of you. Be that filter between good and bad, protect you from the nightmares which haunt you, watch over you and protect you while the good dreams nourish your souls like liquid pouring down from the heavens above.

And when the sun finds your hiding place in the morning, take those dreams, put them on a silver platter .. and make them come true for you. And for you. Wish I was able to say thank you, wish I was a better person, a better friend .. wish I could be a firefly in your moment of darkness.

Yesterday someone gave me back my dream. One of my dreams. Wat doen mens in hierdie lewe reg om so iets te verdien, wanneer mens weet jy het eintlik al jou kanse opgebruik?

I wish I knew how to pay it forward ..

As for you: “You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My word, you taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens.”

Permission

Happy New Year to the eyes reading this right now.

May the year ahead .. bring inner peace, healing where it is required, may each and every one of us find a reason to wánt to wake up tomorrow.

One day at a time, one hour at a time if need be ..

“Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.”

I wíll find me again, one day, someday .. I wánt to.



PERMISSION

[Artist: Sixx AM]

I apologize
That your memory serves you more than I can now
You'll have to make sense of my life somehow
Yeah, somehow

Well, I close my eyes
Remove each piece of armor one by one
Inhale this moment deep into my lungs
Make amends for all I've done

All of my devils are free at last
And all my secrets revealed
And your permission is all I
Need to heal

Well how long have I
Been sitting here, I must have drifted off
I cannot finish any of my thoughts
Forgive me for my wayward shot

All of my devils are free at last
And all my secrets revealed
And your permission is all I
Need to heal

I wake up in the morning, and it comes back to you
I breathe in I breathe out, it comes back to you
I stare up at the ceiling, and it comes back to you
I step out my front door, and it comes back to you
The end of my driveway, it comes back to you
Brakelights on the highway, it comes back to you
I could die in Los Angeles.
It would come back to you.

All of my devils, they are free at last, oh
And all my secrets are revealed, yeah
And your permission is all that I,
I need to feel
All of my devils, they are free at last, oh
And all my secrets are revealed, yes they are
And your permission is all that I need.