Never gonna be alone

Dit is my honderdste post in my nuwe blog-tuiste.

Maar daar is geen vuurwerke nie. Want, anders as in die verlede, hou ek baie meer terug. En le die eintlike waarheid in die dinge wat ek nié se nie.

Want ek moet vir my n pad óm jou oopskryf. Ek moet vir my n pad sónder jou skryf. Ek blog lankal nie meer vir dieselfde redes nie. Dis waarom ek hier kom skuiling soek het.

Om dit aan die een kant draagliker vir myself te maak. Want dis makliker om my woorde te kom wegsteek waar jy hulle nie gaan vind nie, as om te weet hulle is ‘out in the open’ en jy gaan hulle anyway nie lees nie.

Aan die ander kant, hmmm. Ek praat nie oor jou nie. Ek kan nie oor jou praat nie. Nie sonder om te breek nie. En dis n kant van my wat die wereld nie ken nie, so hulle mag dit nie sien nie.

Hierdie blog, ek weet nie, ek het gehoop dis my manier om van jou te genees. Soos mens n stuk naaldwerk aan die nate lostorring wat die dele verbind. En dalk, net miskien, dit regkry om iets nuut uit die nuwe stuk materiaal te maak. Maar dis nie so eenvoudig nie. Die garedraad het gate in die lap gemaak, die soom het n naat gevorm, en daar is permanente kreukels waar jou siel vas aan myne gele het.

Ek het myself verloor in jou. Ek het verdwaal in die kontoere van jou menswees soos mens verdwaal in jou eerste besoek aan n oorsese stad. Ek weet eerlikwaar nie meer wie ek is nie, wat ek geword het of veronderstel is om te wees nie.

I let myself go, and let go of myself at the same time. I don’t understand how a person can be faced with two choices: change or die. And yet, here I am: passive aggressive going nowhere slowly.

Die kind in my wil op my kniee langs die bed gaan kniel, soos die prentjies in die storieboeke, en saggies prewel ‘Dear God, melt this frozen heart back to ice’ ..

Maar ek kom nie eers sover om die woorde te uiter nie. Ek probeer hard, so flippen hard, smag daarna om my lewe te rewind na die niks wat ek was tot voor ek jou ontmoet het nie .. maar ek hoor n song soos hierdie, en vergeet vir n wyle van hoe soppy dit moet klink.

Want ek wonder hoe dit sou voel om vir n enkele oomblik voor jou te staan, oudergewoonte in die poele van jou diep-donker oë te verdrink, hierdie woorde vir jou te se: en te weet jy glo dit.

To anybody out there reading this, whether by chance or coincidence, please:

- never tell someone you love them if you don’t really really mean it
- if you can’t be kind to someone, please, at the very least, try not to hurt them?

Ek mis jou vanaand. Erg. Vergewe my as ek vir jou bid, asseblief? Ek wil jou net gelukkig sien, wat ook al die term geluk vir jou definieer.

In my world, alas, you’re never gonna be alone.

Farewell Beautiful Stranger ..



[Artist: Nickelback]

[Verse 1]
Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you.
Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside,
So I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

[Chorus]
Never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall...
Never gonna be alone!
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

[Verse 2]
And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands,
'Cause forever I believe that there's nothing I could need but you,
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

[Chorus]
Never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world out,
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

[Verse 3]
Oh!
You've gotta live every single day,
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away,
Could be our only one, you know it's only just begun.
Every single day,
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes...

[Verse 4]
Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

[Chorus]
Never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world out,
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

I'm gonna be there always,
I won't be missing one more day,
I'm gonna be there always,
I won't be missing one more day.

This left feels right

We are brought up as children to always do the right thing in life. But no, in an adult world, I find people looking at one another in a manner that says: it’s wrong doing the right thing.

What the hell?

We’re preaching individualism, but unless we conform we’re in trouble. Don’t forget freedom of speech, but come prepared if you are going to proclaim who or what you believe in. We live in an ‘anything goes’ era and we agree that the magazine covers are mostly good photoshop jobs, but how dare you not look the prescribed part?

I am confused.

Angry Chair

[Artist: Alice in Chains]



Sitting on an angry chair
Angry walls that steal the air

Stomach hurts and I don't care
What do I see across the way, hey
See myself molded in clay, oh
Stares at me, yeah I'm afraid, hey
Changing the shape of his face, ah yeah

Candles red I have a pair
Shadows dancing everywhere
Burning on the angry chair

Little boy made a mistake, hey
Pink cloud has now turned to gray, oh
All that I want is to play, hey
Get on your knees, time to pray, oh

I don't mind, yeah
I don't mind, I-I-I
I don't mind, yeah
I don't mind, I-I-I
Lost my mind, yeah
I don't mind, I-I-I
Can't find it anywhere
I don't mind, I-I-I

Corporate prison, we stay, hey
I'm a dull boy, work all day, oh
So I'm strung out anyway, hey

Loneliness is not a phase
Field of pain is where I graze

Serenity is far away
Saw my reflection and cried, hey
So little hope that I died, oh
Feed me your lies, open wide, hey
Weight of my heart, not the size, oh

I don't mind, yeah
I don't mind, I-I-I
I don't mind, yeah
I don't mind, I-I-I
Lost my mind, yeah
I don't mind, I-I-I
Can't find it anywhere
I don't mind, I-I-I

Pink cloud has now turned to gray
All that I want is to play
Get on your knees time to pray, boy

The unveiling of my soul

Nothing more than an empty room.

I want to walk away from all these empty meaningless words .. simply turn around and walk away ..

World So Cold

Wish I could take these words, shuffle them like cards, and make them tell a different story .. but you don't always get what you wish for in life.



[Artist: Three Days Grace]

I never thought I’d feel this
Guilty and I’m broken down inside
Livin’ with myself
Nothing but lies

I always thought I’d make it
But never knew I’d let it get so bad
Livin’ with myself
Is all I have

I feel numb
I can’t come to life
I feel like I’m frozen in time

Livin’ in a world so cold
Wasting away
Livin’ in a shell with no soul
Since you’ve gone away
Livin’ in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you’ve gone away
You’ve gone away

Do you ever feel me
Do you ever look deep down inside
Starin’ at yourself
Paralyzed

I feel numb
I can’t come to life
I feel like I’m frozen in time

Livin’ in a world so cold
Wasting away
Livin’ in a shell with no soul
Since you’ve gone away
Livin’ in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you’ve gone away
You’ve gone away from me

I’m too young to lose my soul
I’m too young to feel this old
For so long I’m left behind
I feel like I’m losing my mind

Do you ever feel me
Do you ever look deep down inside
Starin’ at your life
Paralyzed

Livin’ in a world so cold
Wasting away
Livin’ in a shell with no soul
Since you’ve gone away
Livin’ in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you’ve gone away
You’ve gone away from me

I’m too young
I’m too young

Gratitude

I don't deserve your praise
but having the privilege
of picking your words
ripe and ready when
I need them to be
the moment healing
or urgent escape
on my behalf is
desired
required
handing me the keys
to my own Eden
at the most crucial of times
makes me thank Him
for you
finding me

Lost Soul

just another lost soul
passing by
the soles of her feet
caressing the face of the earth
restlessly wandering
like those of a gypsy
yet leaving no trace behind

when she speaks her
venomous words leave a scar
on those least deserving
she understands why
the desert rose
needs to grow alone
lives and dies unseen

like a fairytale forgotten
untold by time
the beauty of it
feeding the ravens

alas
just another lost soul
am I

Splinter-wense

Ek wens ek kon vandag in die arms van ‘n Spookdorp wakker word ..

Comfortably Numb

[Artist: Pink Floyd]

Hello, hello, hello
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?

Come on, come on down,
I hear you’re feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax, relax, relax
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.

When I was a child, I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I’ve got that feeling once again.
I can’t explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.

I have become comfortably numb.

[guitar solo]

I have become comfortably numb.

OK, OK, OK
Just a little pin prick.
There’ll be no more, aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh,
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up, stand up, stand up.
I do believe it's working good.
That’ll keep you going for the show.
Come on, it’s time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.

When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look, but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child has grown, the dream is gone.

I have become comfortably numb.

Exhausted

Ek is moeg, meer moeg as wat n paar ure se ekstra slaap gaan fix.

Nutshell

[Artist: Alice In Chains]

We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

Oooh... Oooh...
Oooh... Oooh...

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead

Oooh... Oooh...
Oooh... Oooh...

Paint It Black

‘Om te dink jare gelede toe ons klein was, het ons in die ry by die glyplank gestaan, en ons grootste bekommernis was of ons ook n beurt gaan kry.’

Woorde wat ek nooit sal vergeet nie. Vol eenvoud, maar tog so waar.

En hier staan ons vandag, volwasse kinders in die speelpark van die lewe. En ek wonder of daar werklik soveel intussen verander het.

Ek is uitgehonger vir skryf maar ek frommel my paragrawe een na die ander op en gooi dit op die vloer vir die kat om mee te speel. Dalk kan hy meer nut daaruit kry. Ek het nooit erg aan puzzle bou gehad nie, en op hierdie stadium voel my sinne soos losstaande woorde wat nie sinmaak of verband hou met mekaar nie.

My thoughts are random. It’s like pulling at the opposite ends of a christmas cracker when we were young, but now – not knowing what emotion is going to emerge from it.

Ek word soms stil en dan sien ek weer die kind in my van dekades gelede. Kaalvoet in die sand met n hele peleton army mannetjies wat die wereld van ondergang gaan red. Twiggy was beter as my i-pod, KIT was die kar wat ek eendag sou ry as ek groot is .. ek het n plan gehad .. en alles het sin gemaak. Of liewer, alles het in my wereld sin gemaak .. tot ek die hoof karakter in my eie verhaal geword het en die spieel in die backstage dressing room minder mooi vir my begin terugsmile het.



I loved my Cindy and Barbie dolls, but besides looking breathtaking and being a reminder of everything I would never be when I grow up, they were the manifestation of passive perfect plastic .. (hello 2009!)

Ek het Straatvalk gekyk tot my oë vierkantig was, die woorde gememoriseer en daarna my nuutgevonde vaardighede op die BMX-baan se gruis-kurwes gaan oefen. Ek het nog altyd n liefde vir helikopters gehad en was as kind naïef genoeg om te glo dat die kombinasie van die A-team, McGyver en Airwolf iets soos die World Trade Centre nagmerrie onmoontlik sou maak.

Ek wonder net of daar vandag fout is met my? Hoekom hou ek nie van chick flicks nie? Hoekom maak rose en choclates my geïrriteerd? En wat .. wat presies is dit .. wat my op hierdie ouderdom steeds kinderlik opgewonde maak as daar n nuwe Harry Potter movie uitkom, hoekom vervang ek n aktetas-handsak met n ‘I love vampires’ slingbag en waarom neem ek n dag verlof om die premiere van Lord of the Rings by te woon?

Why am I nothing more than Lucy Pevensie religeously believing in Mr Tumnus? Gaan ek nooit regtig grootword nie, of projekteer daardie superhero’s en fantasie-karakters net die verskil wat ek smag om te wees in ander mense se lewens, maar nooit sal wees in hierdie leeftyd, of die volgende nie.

Hmmmm .. may I just paint these words black, all of them, pretty please?

I don't believe you

Sometimes I wish I had someone to break up with me.

Anyway, this too shall come to pass. Dit bly net vir my interessant watter verskil perspektief kan maak. Dis byvoorbeeld so maklik om van iemand te vergeet as dit jou keuse is, maar as jy die een is wat vergeet word is dit n heel ander storie.

Hierdie is eintlik glad nie my tipe musiek nie, maar die liedjie se woorde het my weer daaraan laat dink. Maak nie saak hoe geheg mense aan mekaar is nie, daar is maar in elkeen van ons goed wat iemand anders irriteer. Mens gaan soms deur slegte tye, onnodige fights waarvan niemand later eers die oorsaak kan onthou nie, maar wat jou teen die mure uitdryf. Alles waar né?

Hmm .. tot jy dit nie meer het nie. As ek weer so n stupid fight met jou kon he, sou jy minstens met my praat. As my hond weer die kos van die toonbank sou steel, sou ek minstens die kans he om hom weer in my arms vas te hou. As my ouma my weer moes roep om vanuit n ander vertrek iets te kom aangee wat net so n paar tree van haar af lê, sou ek minstens die kans he om vir haar nog n koppie tee te maak terwyl haar breipenne met mekaar gesels.

Perspektief.

Soos die boodskap gisteraand, ‘kan ek jou kom haal en myne maak’ .. ag woorde rou eerlik uit iemand se hart, en ek weet dit het moed geverg, en ek weet ek moet mooi werk daarmee .. maar die boodskap het nie jou naam onderaan gehad nie.

And suddenly those eight words in my hands became empty and meaningless ..

Ek weet ek mag dit nie bevraagteken nie, want alles gebeur met n doel en ons moet net die beste maak van wat vir ons gegee word. Maar hoekom het Hy jou op my pad gesit as Hy geweet het Hy gaan jou weer net so vinnig wegvat?

Is the lesson not to love at all? Or trust that no one can be trusted? Or that my purpose on earth is to be a stepping stone for others, an in-between season to distract them while summer and winter are playing musical chairs. A means to an end?

And my perspective on closure? Kom ons sê maar net ek het nuwe waardering en respek vir sleutels gekry. Because nothing can trap you more than the freedom of an open door without a key.



I DON'T BELIEVE YOU

[Artist: Pink]

I don't mind it
I don't mind at all
It's like you're the swing set and I'm the kid that falls
It's like the way we fight, the times I've cried, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?

[Chorus:]
No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No, I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend
To not love me at all

I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up
Looks like you've given up, you've had enough
But I want more no I won't stop
'cause I just know you'll come around... right?

[Chorus]

Just don't stand there and watch me fall
'cause I, 'cause I still don't mind at all
It's like the way we fight, the times I cry, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?

[Chorus]

I don't believe you

Amper

Dit is die deel van my dankie wat jy seker nooit sal verstaan nie. Amper, baie amper, het ek vir ‘n kort oomblik mens gevoel met die illusie van my hand toegevou in joune.



“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”

[Quote: Roy Croft]

Weegskaal

My theory: The less you have - the less you have to lose.

Right Where It Belongs

[Artist: Nine Inch Nails]

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

[Chorus:]
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

[Chorus:]
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What Have You Done

Am I genetically programmed to hurt the lives closest to me? Am I the failure to balance out their success, happiness and well-being? Nothing more than a waste of human space, a curse in disguise. Why so serious, would you mind if I hurt you? WTF



[Artist: Within Temptation]

Would you mind if I hurt you?
Understand that I need to
Wish that I had other choices
Than to harm the one I love

What have you done now?

I know I'd better stop trying
You know that there's no denying
I won't show mercy on you now
I know I should stop believing
I know that there's no retrieving
It's over now
What have you done?

What have you done now?

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away
What have you done now?
Why, Why does fate make us suffer
There's a curse between us
Between me and you

What have you done?
What have you done now?
What have you done ?
What have you done now?

Would you mind if I killed you?
Would you mind if I tried to
Cause you have turned into my worst enemy?
You carry hate that I feel
It's over now
What have you done

What have you done now

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away
What have you done now?
Why, Why does fate make us suffer
There's a curse between us
Between me and you

What have you done?
What have you done now?
What have you done?
What have you done now?

I will not fall
Won't let it go
We will be free
When it ends

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away
What have you done now?
Why, Why does fate make us suffer
There's a curse between us
Between me and you

The Dragon And The Fairy

Once upon a time, not so very long ago as in the fairytales, my feet carried me to a part of the woods I haven’t visited before.

Circumstances forced me to move beyond the borders of the house I used to call home. I was alone, scared and confused. To be honest, I felt lost in the midst of everything which made sense and was familiar to me.

So I set one foot before the other and started walking, deserting my dungeon for the time being. I looked over my shoulder a few times before I lost sight of my beloved home, but my feet kept on walking and carried my in a different direction.

I found myself in an unfamiliar, but beautiful place. The trees grew less dense, but still swayed their tall bodies in the soft wind. The surrounding area became more rocky. I saw beautiful colourful flowers nested in a crack in one of the higher rocks. I’ve seen little baby waterfalls carrying the liquidized music of the stream forward, and I have walked past the shadows of a few inviting caves, but my feet just kept on walking.

Until this weary traveller was caught unaware by the sudden appearance of a cliff in front of her. I looked up at the mountain peaks ahead of me, which stood tall like monuments in the distance. I was lost and I felt trapped, tired, exhausted.

I sat down for a while, too tired to think. My feet too numb to walk any further. The setting sun was pulling the dark veil of the night over the sky, much quicker than I would be able to find my way out of there.

I must have fallen asleep, for when I opened my eyes the stars have all lit their candles, cuddling themselves in the creases of the black velvet sky. ‘Come’ .. a female voice spoke softly behind me.

Was I dreaming? How could there be anybody else beside me, here at the foot of the cliff. I was startled to say the least, but not afraid. Her eyes were glowing, like that of a fairy or some magical creature. I could sense that she wouldn’t do me any harm. ‘But how, where..’ I started asking, when another hand drew my attention and pointed in the direction of the cliff.

The hand belonged to a man, who stood strong and fierce beside her. My eyes followed his hand in the direction of the cliff. A bridge? My facial expression must’ve completed the question for me, when he answered .. we have lowered the drawbridge to our lair to come and help you, rescue you. ‘Come’ she said again.



The moment felt surreal. Who were these strangers? And why were they helping me? They helped me to my feet and led me across the bridge, to where they lived.

In the months that followed, he would show me around. Introducing me to their world, lending me his eyes to sometimes look at things with a different perspective. Sometimes he would quote someone, or make a short statement of his own, with an ending open for interpretation. And he taught me to think, to question things and not just assume and accept everything on face value, and to form my own opinion about things in life.

She on the other hand, I always smile when I think of her. She would let me sit beside her while she was painting the most beautiful pictures, capturing the essence, dare I say the magic of the world as they knew and perceived it. Sometimes she would let me close my eyes, and she would take my soul hostage and captivate me with the most beautiful words, as her poetry, utterly beautiful, introduced me to the places few have been. There was music in her voice when she spoke.

These kind hearted beings took good care of my injured soul, each on his or her own way. They found me at such a crucial time, but instead of walking past me, they stopped for a while to hear me breathe.

Now I see the drawbridge between the two of them has been lifted. And my heart aches for both of them. Neither of them realise how much they have helped me to create a new path for my feet to tread on. I wish I was able to say thank you, or make things better for both of them.

Today I feel sad .. while revisiting that place .. and watching those little waterfalls weeping – for them.

[It's all in the title. Ek dink aan julle, opregte sterkte vir beide.]

Goin' Down

[Artist: Three Days Grace]

Took me down to the river
So I could drown drown drown
Looking up trough the water
I kept sinking down down down

I feel like I'm dying
I've got one foot in the ground
Never knew what love was
until you came around

You're going down
you're going down down
You walk all over me
you never thought I'd be
the one who's laughing now
Now that you're going down

Take it down to the basement
you look around round round
And we sit there in scilence
I watch you go down down down

I feel like I'm flying
I've got my head in the clouds
Never though I was crazy
Until you came around

You're going down
you're going down down
You walk all over me
you never thought I'd be
the one who's laughing now
Now that you're going down

you're going down down
You walk all over me
you never thought I'd be
the one who's laughing now
Now that you're going down

Took me down to the river
So I could drown drown drown
You're going down
you're going down down
You walk all over me
you never thought I'd be
the one who's laughing now
Now that you're going down
[down down down]

you're going down down
You walk all over me
you never thought I'd be
the one who's laughing now
Now that you're going down

Sidestand

Dis anders as mens n bike koop.

Jy het immers n vooropgestelde idee waarna jy soek, jy weet aan watter vereistes dit moet voldoen en jy weet dit kom teen n stewige prys, maar een wat jy uit vrye wil kies om te betaal.

You have riding gear which can protect you from hurt or injury when you fall. You can attend training courses to improve your riding skills. You can trade your bike in at any given time if you prefer an upgrade, or if finances are tight, save until you have enough money to afford it, because the bike you wanted isn’t the last of its kind.

Maar jy ..

Jy was anders. Ek het nie na jou gesoek nie, jy het net met my gebeur. Daar was geen kriteria of vereistes gewees nie, want jy was nog altyd perfek in my oë. En .. jy was gratis. Jy was my eerste gedagte elke oggend nog voor ek my oë behoorlik oopmaak, en die fluistersagte sug na my amen in die aand.

Daar was niks om my te beskerm teen presies hoe hard ek vir jou geval het nie. Daar was nie n handleiding om my te waarsku of raad te gee oor hoe ek goed genoeg vir jou kon wees nie. Ek sou jou vir niks of niemand in hierdie wereld verruil het nie, want daar is net een van jou.

Ek het intussen my bike gekry .. maar die rede verloor waarom ek die sleutel in die ignition moet draai. Suddenly I am battling to find my way back to my dream.

Jy het toe al die tyd met n prys gekom.

I sometime hate the fact that I love you this much.

Without You

Soms verklap woorde met wysies soveel onvertelde waarheid.



[Artist: Three Days Grace]

What if I walk without you
What if I ran without you
What if I stand without you
I could not go on

What if I live without you
What if I love without you
What if I died without you
I could not go on

You left my side tonight
And I, I just don't feel right
But I, I can't let you out of sight,
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all

What if I lie without you
What if I rise without you
What if I dream without you
I could not go on

You left my side tonight
And I, I just don't feel right
But I, I can't let you out of sight,
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all

You left my side tonight
And I just don't feel right
I can't let you out of sight,
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all

You left my side tonight
And I, I just don't feel right
But I, I can't let you out of sight,
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all

Nothing at all!

Deurmekaar

[Artist: Karen Zoid]

Ek het geloop sonder om te groet
Ek wil jou bel ek wonder of ek moet
Ek weet jy dink ek’t jou verniel
Ek het jou lief met my hart en siel

Ek het geloop sonder om te groet
En clean breaks is tien teen een goed
En ek sit hier op die lang pad
Soos soveel kere vantevoor
En iewers langs die highway het ek my beste pel verloor

Ek ken jou lyf
Ek ken jou taal
Ek ken jou goed
Ek ken jou kaal
Ons het opgestaan
Ons het weer geval
Die herinneringe maak my mal
Die fight’s verby
Die vuur’s geblus
Die storm het bedaar
Als is fine
Ek voel so deurmekaar

Ek het geloop sonder om te groet
Jy’s nog altyd een wat net praat wanneer hy moet
As ek kon sing en minder sê
Sal jy ook beter weet wat ek nodig het.

Ek ken jou lyf
Ek ken jou taal
Ek ken jou goed
Ek ken jou kaal
Ons het opgestaan
Ons het weer geval
Die herinneringe
Die herinneringe
Die herinneringe

Ek ken jou lyf
Ek ken jou taal
Ek ken jou goed
Ek ken jou kaal
Ons het opgestaan
Ons het weer geval
Die herinneringe maak my mal

Pause

Ek weet nie hoekom .. hoekom ek vanaand soveel hoop het nie. Nee, dalk nie hoop nie. Vrede. Vryheid. Asem.

Ek google n woordeboek defiinisie van hoop .. ‘To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment’.

Ek staan kaalvoet op n minora blade. Dis n 50-50 balans sonder enige desimale. My identiteit .. ehm .. wie is ek, wie was ek, wie is ek veronderstel om te wees?

Elkeen van die sinne in my gedagtes het n oop einde .. die punt gly weg op die vlerke van n traan.

Soms .. soms het mens niks meer of minder om aan iemand te gee .. as net jouself nie. Die wete dat dit nie goed genoeg is nie, dis ..

Dis uit my hande. Punt lyn.

The best is yet to come .. ek juggle feite en illusie .. ek weet nie watter een ek gaan raakvang nie. Maar vir nou is dit waaraan ek vashou.

One step, one hour .. one day at a time. Hoop .. dis soms n woord .. met handvatsels .. iets om aan vas te hou. Ongedefinieerd.

Life is Beautiful

Miskien .. net miskien .. gaan ek weer ok wees.



[Artist: Sixx Am]

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't
I've done things that you won't
There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Besef

Hoewel ek mense in my vertroue neem, glo ek hulle nie maklik nie.

Ek het gisteraand eers die wêreldse verskil van daardie fyn skydslyn besef.

Lithium

[Artist: Evanescence]

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.

Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.

Darling, I forgive you... After all,
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, ...stay in love with you.
I'm gonna let it go.

The Punisher

I am floating.

Somewhere between nowhere and anywhere.

I wish 2009 would disappear with the blink of an eye. And yet, I fear the birth of 2010.

Where do I go from here? 33½ years .. and what have I got to show? Who am I? Who have I become? I am climbing Dune 7 and the stubborn wind refuses to leave the trace of a single footprint behind me.

Closure.

As underrated as forgiveness. Hmm. Closure can actually lead to forgiveness. Or if need be,
a request to be forgiven, at the very least?

The truth, no matter how harsh, doesn’t hurt as much as not knowing.

And I wonder why words seem out of reach .. ?

Why? That’s all I have ever asked of you .. was it really too much to ask? Honestly?

I drag the ball and chain behind me .. as I make my way from nowhere to anywhere.

Eyes Shut Open

colour fades into shades of grey
and little candles light up the sky
solitude pours me a glass of wine
an untold remembrance of you and I

while the trees are sleeping
the ravens never shut their eyes
you raised me up and made me whole
simultaneously orchestrating my demise

colourblind I embrace the rainbow
as you blow the candles one by one
I raise my glass with a Mona Lisa smile
where once you were now is none

© 01.11.2009

Game Over

die doolhof van my gedagtes
binne die ruimte van n vierkant
bring my telkens voor n skaakmat te staan
eenrigtingstrate en cul de sac’s
teen elke randsteen soek ek jou naam

op die spore van gister soek ek jou vandag
die metamorfose van n eens godin
jóú eens godin nou n pion
sit ek vandag kruisbeen onttroon
op die randsteen van jou spel

© 01.11.2009