Namárië .. Farewell

Ek leen die aangehaalde woorde by n baie spesiale persoon, omdat ek dit self nie beter kon stel nie. Asof dit lank terug geskryf is, spesiaal vir my, sodat ek dit kon vind.

“And the voice is asking, almost yearning, and it comes with a song, so desolated, so alone, a soul on the other end of the world searching like my own. But always the fear, always the need to run, so I set it free, to plunder the seas and running the risk of losing it forever, I sent it into the storm, but with a promise, I ... wait always ashore. Return to me, find me, fetch me. I want you to.”



And with these words I have to leave a part of you behind in 2009, set you free. But also losing the better part of me.

I lo..

Namárië.


ACCIDENTS CAN HAPPEN

[Artist: Sixx AM]

Don't give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it's alright
You're not alone
If you don't love this anymore
I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there's a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

You know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

So don't give up
It takes a while.

Verdwaal

30 Desember.

Ek word al hoe besiger in n poging om minder te dink. Besig om die matte te stofsuig toe die gedagte vanuit die bloute my tref: ek het nog nooit lank genoeg n vriendin gehad om te se ‘we were childhood friends or we went to varsity together’ nie.

Yup ek ken heelwat erg spesiale mense, vriende en vriendinne, vir n mooi klompie jare. En dis mense vir wie ek omgee. Maar niemand wat kan se ek dink hierdie haarstyl sal jou beter pas of ek dink daardie klere gaan perfek saam nie. Vir so lank ek kan onthou. Dit was maar nog net altyd ek op my eie. Seker waarom ek dit nog nie gemis het nie.

Ek is n stille runaway. Ek IS n stille runaway. En was nog altyd. Dis nie iets om op trots te wees nie, dit maak seer. Dit voel soos n siekte of straf wat ek nie verstaan nie, met die gevolg dat ek nie weet wat om daaraan te doen nie.

Waarvoor is ek so bang? Commitment .. Met enige iets wat ek in die lewe aanpak? Bang vir geluk .. want wat as dit werk?

Anyways.

30 Desember. Ek was tot my eie verbasing fine tot nou toe. Ek het Kersfees oorleef en skynbaar 2009 ook.

Tot vanmiddag.

Tot nou.

Ek vrees more aand hierdie tyd in afwagting van die nuwe jaar. Ek het gedink ek gaan sterker wees. Maar dis asof die realiteit van 2009 wat ek so diep begrawe het sonder om ooit daaroor te huil alles met een slag in n fratsgolf wil terugkom en oor my wil spoel met die intensie om my te verdrink.



Ek was so seker die seer is diep genoeg weggebere dat n dapper smile die ding sou doen, maar nou breek ek, kom daar krake in die mure waaraan ek so hard gebou het. Binne my kruip ek weg soos n klein kind wat weet hy is in die moeilikheid of die boelies gaan hom vang.

Ek wil 2009 verby kry .. iemand asb vat dit net weg .. maar 2010 .. n nuwe jaar maar wat is dit meer as net nog n dag. Terminale pasiente se siekte word nie op hold gesit nie.

Ek was veronderstel om sterker te wees as dit. Dis asof die jaar homself in split-sekonde flashbacks voor my afspeel. En die nagmerries wat mens gebid het net drome is nou as realiteit voor jou staan.

Ek was veronderstel om sterker te wees as dit.

‘We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.’

Ek was veronderstel ..

Sterker ..

Ek kan nie ..

Ek kan nie ..

Time Changes Time, I Hope

Vriendin van my se seuntjie het n teorie oor waarom die muskiete so lief is vir hom. Hy se dis omdat hy net 8 jaar oud is en dus as’t ware nog vars is vir hulle.

Hmm.

Dit herinner my met n ompad aan die volgende. Jy het kwaad geword hieroor. Ek het nooit gese dit was vir jou nie, maar soos dit twaalf dae later sou blyk, het die skoen jou inderdaad perfek gepas.

BOUNCE

take my heart
rip it out
go ahead
it’s ok
you can’t kill
the already dead
throw it against the wall
let it make its mark
fingerprints in red
bounce back
like a rubber ball
like the toy
that it has become
watch it fall
fake a beat
play dead
tired
worn
torn
broken
and i suddenly wonder
was it ever whole
to begin with?

© 01.02.2009

Anyways. Ek het my skryf musiek aan. Een spesifieke song wat my altyd onmiddellik in my wereld verplaas, diep in die donker van die woud met my arms styf om die bome gedraai. Veilige vryheid.

‘Seven Sirens and a Silver Tear’. Nogal n gepaste temalied indien enige van my blogs ooit in n biografiese fliek sou ontaard .. maar dis net woorde.

Dieselfde woorde waarmee mense lewenslange trou aan mekaar beloof (en dit weer breek), dieselfde woorde waarmee n siek persoon bid om genesing, dieselfde woorde waarmee lande vredes-ooreenkomste met mekaar sluit en dieselfde woorde wat n moordenaar uiter voor hy die sneller trek.

Dit is alles net woorde.

Net jy .. wat nie koebaai kon se nie. En die eggo van n sug n lewenslange konkrete werklikheid vir my gemaak het.

Geestelik is ek besig om woorde in die sand te skryf. Soms wen die wind my en waai hulle weg voor my hand hulle kan platvee. Dis die ding van woorde .. mens tel hulle op soos die woorde in die sand, hou vas dit in jou hand, maar wanneer jy jou vuis net effens oopmaak val die korrels een vir een na onder en word ontvoer op die asem van die wind.



2010. Ek kan nie besluit of ek dit wil uitstel of aanjaag nie. Soos n tandarts afspraak. Jy weet dis uiteindelik tot jou voordeel. Maar ‘uiteindelik’ word eers voorafgegaan met n proses.

Ek dink aan verandering. Big time.

Nie verandering nie. Dis meer soos, hmm .. as mens iets verloor het. Jy soek rond deur die huis en vind dit nie, maar weet dit was hier iewers. Dan begin jy vir n tweede en derde maal oor jou eie spore loop, kyk weer en weer en weer op dieselfde plek .. net ingeval jy die vorige keer iets misgekyk het.

Going forward in reverse. Dis basies wat ek in gedagte het. Ek moet vorentoe beweeg, maar om goedsmoeds met oogklappe die toekoms in te strompel en te hoop vir n nuwer beter ek, gaan nie volhoubaar wees op die langtermyn nie. Want krake wys weer na n tyd al verf jy oor hulle.

So ek moet weer en weer op dieselfde plekke gaan soek na stukkies van myself totdat ek weer n heel prentjie kan vorm. Ek moet die slegte dele uitsny en die goeie dele enhance. En al daai glasstukke op die grond een vir een optel en n mosaiek maak wat n splinternuwe prent vorm.

Klink so maklik as mens dit in n paar reels kan verwoord. But it’s do or die. En tyd het geleer dat die maklike pad in die meerderheid van gevalle nie die beste pad is nie. Maar dat jy eerder die moeilike pad vat, vol kronkels en draaie wat jou slyp en vorm sodat jy perfek aan die ander kant uitkom.

My venster is wawyd oop. Die naglug is koel maar nie koud nie. Dit dou liggies buite, want ek ruik vars aarde. Sonder make-up .. net vars ongekunstelde aarde. Ek asem diep in en bere die reuk so tydjie in my longe voor ek weer laat gaan.

Anyways. Verandering. Ek weet waar ek was en waar ek weer wil wees. Of ek dit kan regkry is n heel ander storie all together. Die een oomblik is ek dapper en sien ek kans vir die uitdagings maar die volgende oomblik wil ek diep in daai einste woud gaan wegkruip, die skaduwees soos komberse om my vou en hoop dit maak my onsigbaar.

Maar die lewe is kort. En word korter by die sekonde. Ek kan nie weer n 2009 he of iets wat dit net naastenby resemble nie. Ek kan eenvoudig nie.

Een van my vriende se altyd, as hy moet weet hy het net x aantal jare oor om te leef doen hy weet-bix en rooiwyn elke oggend vir ontbyt. Hoekom nie? En hy het dalk n punt beet, want ons weet nooit wanneer daardie streep vir ons getrek gaan word nie.

Dalk gaan ek nog voor ek die publish post button geclick het, dalk sien ek 97 soos my ouma op hierdie stadium. Point is, we never know.

En toe kruis die volgende woorde van wysheid my pad vandag (ek dink nie dit was toeval nie, they were meant to find me):

“The shell must break before the bird can fly.”

Presies! Maar daar is geen fineprint om te waarborg dit gaan n maklike of pynlose proses wees nie. Die wond waar my verstand-tand nog 5 dae gelede gesit het, getuig daarvan. Thus it will be do or die after all. Alles of niks.

And change will be for the better. It will háve to be for the better. Ek mag nie vir minder as dit settle nie, maar dit gaan van my en my alleen afhang .. en dis waar die wantroue in myself kop uitsteek.

Ek sluit die preek aan myself af met die volgende, en ek het net die eerste reeltjie hier geplak, die res is nie eers nodig nie:

“What I do today is important because I am paying a day of my life for it.”

Wat as vandag onwetend my laaste dag is? En al wat ek doen is vashou aan die niks waarmee jy my gelos het nie .. en ek skryf die woord koebaai in die sand.

Edit: Sleepwalking past your name

Ek het alweer fokus verloor in die vorige post en myself in n hoek gedryf met die onuitgesproke noem van jou naam.

Die eintlike doel van die post hieronder was om myself daaraan te herinner dat ek, almal van ons for that matter, altyd moet onthou .. most of the times we are ignorant of the fact that just maybe our mere existence is enough for somebody out there.

Somebody might be in desperate need of hope. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be a ray of bright light. Because a lending hand in the dark can also help somebody find their next step, even if there is no light.

Iemand het my eenkeer die volgende woorde gesms. Ons is nie goed uitmekaar nie, maar sy woorde het soos klippe op die vloer van my siel neergereën, so hard was die impak daarvan. En ek dink dis wat ek op my lomp manier met daardie post probeer se het ..

“Understand how beautifully God has added one more day to your life. Not because you need it, but because someone else needs you.”

Sleepwalking past your name

Hierdie tyd van die jaar, feitlik elke jaar vir solank ek kan onthou, doen ek voorraadopname, inventaris in die hand. Elke sin in my kop eindig met n vraagteken. Ek antwoord vrae met nuwe vrae.

En vir een of ander rede kom ek telkens voor dieselfde woord te staan: Hoop.

Dis n konsep wat my wind met n gebalde vuis heeltemal uitslaan, die mat onder my voete uittrek wanneer ek dit die minste verwag en soms n emmer yswater oor my kop uitgooi, sommer vir die lekker.

What gives people hope?

Vir my? Honestly? Goed wat nie in papier toegedraai kan word of met geld gekoop kan word nie. Punt lyn.

Dis nie noodwendig die sonstraal wat n goudgeel strik in die blou lug vorm nie, maar die invalshoek waarteen dit een enkele doudruppel in n bottelgroen bos tref en vir n oomblik in tyd die mooiste liquid-diamant op aarde binne jou bereik plaas.

Jy het soms nie die selfvertroue nodig om die bike te ry nie, net iemand om in jou te glo dat jy dit sal regkry.

Skool was hel op aarde, maar meeste van ons het n gunsteling onderwyser gehad wat ons nie wou teleurstel nie. En die punte in daardie betrokke vakgebied het dit meeste van die tyd bewys.

Wat ek nou gaan se is dalk vir party mense verregaande .. dit mag dalk selfs as vals hoop bestempel word.

Maar soms kom daar mense op jou lewenspad, in die tyd van moderne tegnologie nie eers altyd mense wat jy in die werklike lewe ontmoet het nie …

En tog wil ek se .. your existence gives me hope.

Dis seker nie iets konkreets om aan vas te hou nie, maar wanneer mens heeltemal niks het nie, jou vingers versteen het en verleer het om te buig, is dit genoeg.

Your existence gives me hope .. hmmm. Maar jy is lankal nie meer myne nie, was nooit myne nie. Jy het nooit regtig eers van my gehou nie, waarskynlik net die aandag geniet. En tog .. met jou .. moet ek myself aan die volgende herinner .. en dankbaar wees ..

“I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up dóés rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend.” [The Shawshank Redemption]

Walking within

Kersfees 2009.

Soos ek hier skryf nader dit n sporadiese einde. Met n frons op die voorkop is dit so maklik om gemaak-geïrriteerd te verklaar dat mens wens dit was al verby, tesame met al die nuwejaars-vieringe wat nog voorle.

Maar agter die gordyn van my siel heimlik te wens die mooiste dag van enige jaar, Kersfees, kan tyd tot stilstand bring. Net om die magic van hierdie spesiale dag dieper te laat insink.

Helaas, die uurglas loop leeg en Vader Tyd knipoog vir my asof om te se ‘be careful what you wish for’ want die dag nader sy einde.

Kersfees ontmasker my punt lyn. Is nou maar net so. Dit maak nie saak hoe hard ek aan die buitekant probeer wees nie, ek los maar die miere om die kat se kos te steel want dis Kersfees.

En ek word dapper oor Kersfees, want hoop word skielik n woord met handvatsels. En ek vra myself onder kruisverhoor of verandering werklik volhoubaar kan wees in die nuwe jaar?

En ek het hierdie innerlike begeerte om iewers iets te wil beteken en wonder wat is beter om twee mense op straat elk met R50 te surprise en of tien mense nie elk met R10 sal baat nie? Maar ek het nie die selfvertroue om oor te gaan tot aksie nie, al is dit vir n goeie doel .. en stap uiteindelik weg sonder om enige iets te doen.

Passive Aggressive. Alweer. My nuwe middelname.

En in my kamer as dit stil word en die ligte doof om my uit, wil ek uit die diepte van my hart die onmoontlike vir mense verrig. Daardie baba waarna hulle smag in sagte komberse onder die boom gaan sit, of die sak probleme maak verdwyn waarmee iemand worstel en sommer n boksie soetgoed in die plek daarvan los. Die goed wat geld nie kan koop nie .. maar ek kan nie.

Dis dán wanneer daardie kombers van magteloosheid loodswaar oor my skouers gedrapeer is. Want die goed wat ek wens en hoop en bid is vir mense wat dit myns insiens werklik verdien. Ek kyk na hoe hulle cope met hul probleme, hul daaglikse realiteit .. dan kyk ek in die spieel en sien hoe ek breek oor n droom wat net in my kop bestaan het .. en ek word skaam.

En ek wonder weer .. is verandering moontlik? Ek praat nie van nuwejaarsvoorneme nie. Ek praat van volhoubare verandering sodat ek solank lewe volgende jaar hierdie tyd voorraadopname kan neem en weet ek het n beter mens geword?

Ek wag vir mense om te se dis ok, ons settle vir die lelike eendjie. Maar is ek nie dalk die een wat moet vrede maak met die feit dat die lelike eendjie nie in hierdie leeftyd n swaan gaan word nie?

Wie en wat staan werklik in die pad van my innerlike vrede en vreugde? Regtig?

Ekself.

Daai woord sny soos n minora blade en daardie letters bloei louwarm oor my hart, want dis nie lekker om te erken nie. Ek kyk spesifiek vandag na my familie. En dis net liefde, blind vir hoe ek lyk, doof vir my foute, verlam wanneer ek hul rede gee om weg te loop van my. Ek kyk na mense wat die moeite gedoen het om my te onthou; mense met wie ek tegnies gesproke die toue met n chainsaw gesny het. Maar hulle het my onthou ..

My oë blink. Ek kyk na 2010 en dink by myself ‘this is do or die’ .. daar is nie alternatiewe nie. Ek is bang, ek twyfel en voel nie opgewasse nie. Ek wil omdraai en weghardloop van myself, maar dis nie prakties moontlik nie.

Do or die.

“Vir ons is n Seun gebore .. aan ons is n Seun gegee ..”

Waarom staar ek oop-oog blind teen my antwoord vas?

Geseënde Kersfees.

Fragile Breath

Vir nou het ek meer gedagtes as woorde. Maar ek is opreg dankbaar vir familie wat my omvoorwaardelik liefhet en aanvaar nes ek is, al begryp my kop nie altyd hoekom nie.

Kersfees .. maak die kind in my wakker. En skielik lyk al die ander goed waaroor ek daagliks afgaan so klein en nietig. Hoop elkeen wat hier lees het ‘n baie aangename oukersaand saam met mense wat saakmaak. Regtig.



[Artist: Todd Agnew]

I searched the world for a song that I could sing
Praise to my King A gift that I could bring
But no music I found could compare to you
Not one could do Justice to your glory
What are my songs compared to yours

Chorus:
You speak with thunder and lightning
Your voice shakes the mountains
The foundations of the earth
All I can offer is this fragile breath
With each one I'll praise You
With each one I'll praise You more

I searched the world for a poem I could read
A rhyme that would bring Glory to my King
But no writing I found was worthy of
This God high above All other gods
What are my words compared to yours

Chorus

Speak to me, speak to me please
Won't You speak to me

Chorus:
You speak with thunder and lightning
Your voice shakes the mountains
The foundations of the earth
All I can offer is this fragile breath
With each one I'll praise You
With each one I'll praise You more

Doolhof

Ek was skottelgoed. Party bakke is skoner as wat nodig is, want my geestesoog kyk verby die pastel-blink kleur van die borrels skuim voor my. Een van die honde trek my aandag en bring my terug na die te skoon bak in my hande, wat ek gedweë goedsmoeds in die afdroograk neersit.

Een van die bure het dit klaarblyklik goedgedink om na Dana Winner te luister, hard genoeg dat ek, in ballingskap voor die wasbak, geforseer is om elke woord te hoor.

Follow your heart, hold on to your soul
That is the way I know
Follow your star 'till rainbows unfold
And we'll walk in the sun as one
until the end of the road

Hmm. Ek het lus en skree bull$h!t oor die muur, want dit werk nie so in die regte lewe nie. Ek word van voor af kwaad vir jou, want jy het alles gevat .. and left me with me.

En ek wil vir Dana Winner verduidelik dat mens se hart vir jou lokvalle stel, dat jy jou siel aan die duiwel verkoop, dat jy ook eens op n tyd jou leuens in reenboogpapier toegedraai het.

Ek sit vandag en wonder of ek my ou blogs moet begin lees op soek na leidrade van wie ek was of veronderstel is om te wees. Dit voel nie soos Kersfees nie. Ek play-rewind 2009 in my gedagtes, ek probeer dinge undo undo undo tot ek jou weer kan losteken van my, sodat jy hierdie keer kan terugstap in die rigting waarvandaan jy gekom het, but facing me. Having the guts to face me.

Maar ek hou aan myself verloor.

Jy het my siel verlam.

Phantom Agony

Alweer sulke tyd.

Doodmoeg maar sukkel om aan die slaap te raak. But once I do, the nightmares take me hostage.

Die vorige nag was daar (weer eens) geskrewe boodskappe. Hulle was genommer. En oral versprei soos leidrade: op my e-mail, selfoon, en selfs gevoude briefies in n notaboek.

Maar oudergewoonte, sodra ek by hulle kom, verdwyn die letters, of word die boodskap somehow delete voor ek dit kan sien. Dit maak my mal van frustrasie.

En die man, amper soos n hedendaagse stalker, silhouette vorm in n lang swart jas en met n hoed op. Hy was daar om elke hoek en draai. En al kon ek hom by tye nie sien nie, was sy teenwoordigheid onmiskenbaar.

En ek moes vlug, hardloop, soek, oplos .. soos feitlik elke ander aand van my lewe. Dan staan ek weer op in die oggend, meer moeg as toe ek die vorige nag gaan slaap het.

Ek droom soms steeds oor jou. Maar ek wil nie .. please make it go away?

Retoriese vrae

Waarom probeer mense gees vang vir Kersfees? As dit werklik uit jou hart uit kom, gaan dit mos nie nodig wees om dit oor n toonbank te koop nie? Of word geloof deesdae ook in blink papier toegedraai?

Hierdie is die eerste jaar in my hele lewe waar ons nie n Kersboom het nie.

Dit beteken nie ek herdenk nie die dag nie, maar vier dit op n stiller manier in my hart as ek nog so iets het.

Change change change .. die woord rondomtalie in my kop tot ek wil duiselig word daarvan. Change is always for the better, right?

Hmm. Ek dink aan hoe n aangenome kind moet voel wat na jare na sy biologiese ouers soek en opspoor, met n kognitiewe prentjie van hoe hy dink hulle moet wees .. en dan die teleurstelling as hy sien hulle is alles wat hy nie gehoop het hulle sou wees nie. Die ontnugtering.

Dis hoe ek nou voel. Asof die skille van my oë afgeval het en ek vir die eerste keer myself sien vir wat ek regtig is. Nou wat nou? Waarheen hiervandaan? Want obviously het ek drie dekades lank gebou aan n leuen. Want ek is nie wie ek gedink het, durf ek se, gehoop het om te wees nie.

How does one escape if you are your own living nightmare? Wat is die punt van dit alles, waarom die moeite doen om nuwe mense te leer ken en hulle nader aan jou toe te laat as jy weet jy gaan hulle weer net so wegstoot op n mooiweersdag? Waarom .. waarom gaan mense dood wie die lewe meer nodig gehad het as wat ek daarmee doen?

WTF.

Undisclosed Desires

[Artist: Muse]

I know you suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothe me
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You take your lovers that you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Careless Whispers

Responsibility ... Response Ability.

Hmmm ..

Goeie besluite. Iets wat ek skynbaar verleer het om te doen.

2009.

Ek weet nie wat om te sê nie. Ek kry trane in my oë en ek voel tien vingers hopeloos te styf om my keel, maar dis so ver soos ek kom. Woorde het ek nie. Dit was seker die beste en slegste jaar van my lewe. Gelyktydig.

Ek is bang om dit in woorde uit te skryf, asof dit erkenning aan die pas afgelope jaar sal gee as dit iewers aangeteken staan.

Ek dink terug aan my laerskooldae. Hoe ek met my BMX deur die kreukels van die grondpad sou jaag om by die huis te kom, want ek moes my trotse ouers vertel waarom ek die ster op my voorkop het, vertel hoeveel albasters ek pouse gewen het, of met die rooi klaskaptein band om my lyf (al was dit n alfabetiese seleksie) rond paradeer het asof ek een van die koninklike wagte was.

Ek onthou toe ek myself hees gehuil het omdat ek n A maar my beste maat n B+ op haar rapport gekry het. Ek het gedink die + is beter.

Mens kan nie anders as om die onskuld van kinders te bewonder nie. Ek smag daarna, die dae toe ek minder geweet het. Toe ek nie die monster in die spieel herken het as myself nie. Toe ek n towenaar was omdat ek die spookasem in my mond kon laat verdwyn, die soet nasmaak op my tong my geheim. Toe ek in n perd se oë kon kyk en momenteel sy taal kon verstaan, en hy myne.

Ek was nooit bang vir die donker nie. Ek besef dit nou eers, soos ek hier skryf. Ek kan nie aan n enkele keer dink wat ek gevra het vir die lig om te bly brand nie. Die donkerte maak my rustig, binne my.

Hier sit ek egter, ek het die hare en make-up verander. Maar dit maak nie n verskil nie. Ek is moeg gesoek na wat my doel op aarde is, hoekom ek hier is. Ek is geïrriteerd omdat ek gyselaar gehou word binne myself. Ek is soms meer kwaad omdat jy my pad gekruis het as wat ek is omdat jy weggeloop het. Ek sou ook weggeloop het van my, as ek kon.

How can one person be so passive aggressive towards change if they fully realise how vital it is for their future, for their mere survival? Hoekom lyk ek soos wat ek doen, hoekom is ek soos wat ek is .. en hoekom preek die wêreld daarbuite bull$h!t onder die vaandel van ‘unconditional love and acceptance’?

“Time can never mend, the careless whispers of a good friend, To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind, There’s no comfort in the truth, pain is all you’ll find”

Hmm .. stof tot nadenke.

Bright Lights

[Artist: Placebo]

Cast your mind back to the days,
When I pretend' I was OK.
I had so very much to say,
About my crazy livin'.
Now that I've stared into the void,
So many people, I've annoyed.
I have to find a middle way,
A better way of livin'.

So I haven't given up,
That all my choices, my good luck...
Appear to go and get me stuck,
In an open prison.
Now I am tryin' to break free,
In a state of empathy.
Find the true and enemy,
Eradicate this prison.

No-one can take it away from me,
And no-one can tear it apart.
'Cause a heart that hurts,
Is a heart that works.
A heart that hurts,
Is a heart that works.

A heart that hurts,
Is a heart that works.
No-one can take it away from me,
No-one can tear it apart.
Maybe ' an elaborate fantasy,
But it's the perfect place to start.

'Cause a heart that hurts,
Is a heart that works.
A heart that hurts,
Is a heart that... works.

Tears of a Clown

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”

It is no secret that people wear masks to hide behind. It is a book that I can write a different chapter on every single day.

The tears of a clown .. cliché I know. I can’t help but wonder though, how many people actually step forward and take a closer look .. to find that it isn’t always make-up?

Hmmm.

his silent cry melts down his face
but who will catch his falling tears
is he merely misunderstood
or seeking recognition of is fears

a masquerade of one-way glass
which doesn’t tell what lies behind
disguised as a cold hard heart
a pot of gold is what you’ll find

when the moon is out and stars shine bright
he whispers a wish for his demise
overlooking the prayer for him to hold on
written in braille in their blind eyes

© 18.12.2009

Isn't it always?

The Y in myself

Perspektief.

Hmm. 5 x 2 of 6 + 4 of 13-3 .. die antwoord bly 10. En jy kan die som beperk tot die tafels wat ons in kindertuin geleer het of ingenieurs wiskunde toepas en steeds vind .. die antwoord bly 10.

Dit maak dus nie saak van watter angle ek die saak bekyk nie, die oorsaak en gevolg van wie en wat ek is = is myself. Soos n passer wat draai om sy eie gat (en deur chroniese herhaling van die patroon in die proses self daarin geval het).

Die eie EK. Die antwoord bly dieselfde op al die vrae ..

Wie ken my die beste? Wie is my grootste vyand? Wie kan my help om te verander? Wie kan daai verandering stuit? Wie kan my vergewe en wie kan deurnag met my baklei? Wie kan reik na die sterre en hulle pluk soos blomme? Wie kan daai einste sterre soos kerse uitblaas?

Need I say more?

Hoekom is rou eerlikheid makliker teenoor n vreemdeling as teenoor myself? Hoekom is vergifnis makliker teenoor iemand wie my seergemaak het as teenoor myself? Hoekom is advies so spontaan maklik om uit te deel totdat ek my eie raad moet volg?

Ek het myself al die vraag gevra, en ek vra dit blatant weer:

Why am I my own prisoner .. when I am the one holding the key?

Pulling Me Into Misery

puppet on a string
heart on a sleeve
song to say goodbye
as you prepare to leave

withholding the truth
in those unintended lies
cursed by a spell
as I drown in your eyes

stupid rhymes
emotions fade
muscles tighten
when you twist the blade

puppet on a string
heart on a platter
I was the one
that did not matter

© 10.12.2009

Process Of Elimination

Innocent poison. Hmm ..

Is that what I am? I have to start sómewhere in this search about what makes me so despicable in their eyes.

I see the picture through my own eyes, but my eyes have been poisoned ages ago by the venom that runs through these veins.

How can one person have nó reason to complain at all, yet be só lost .. ? Who is this monster I have created?

Ek kyk na die beskuit wat in my koffie verdrink .. en wens skielik .. dit was ek. WTF

Bronne van (erge) frustrasie

Magteloosheid breek my. Punt lyn. Ek gee nie n flenter om as ek self die en is wat vassit in die web nie, maar om siele wie vir my belangrik is te sien spartel en te weet ek kan niks daaromtrent doen nie .. dit maak my dood van binne af.

Wanneer ek voor my siel weet ander mense ‘have no idea’ watter rol hulle werklik in my lewe vertolk nie. Juis omdat ek n ekstreme introvert buite die grense van hierdie blog is, weet ek .. hulle sal nooit weet en werklik besef nie.

En dit maak my hartseer. Want .. ek sien siele, nie mense nie. So ek hoef nie noodwendig iemand in persoon te ken om die tekstuur van sy siel te voel nie.

Dis waarskynlik ook die rede waarom ek dikwels harder as die gemiddelde persoon op straat val wanneer so n siel aan my lewe onttrek. Mense kom en gaan .. maar die spore wat n siel trap, is blywend.

Wens net vanaand ek kon meer doen, meer beteken, en meer dankbaarheid betoon teenoor die wat dit werklik verdien. Maar my wens .. soos al die ander .. eindig net in n eggo van n sug.

Bubbles

I clearly remember, as a child, blowing bubbles in the wind.

Looking back on it today, it was such a simple, insignificant thing to do. But the child in me thoroughly enjoyed it.

Running in the back yard, catching the breath of the wind in that small loop, and leaving a trace of perfect rainbow coloured bubbles behind. Bedazzled by the beauty of it, the freedom of it, and stunned by the fact that a simple touch can make it burst.

As children I guess we often felt imprisoned by rules and regulations set by either our parents, school or society as a whole.

But we were able to blow bubbles in the wind.

Today, as adults, it sometimes feels as though we are blowing away our dreams. And I somehow get the feeling, the only time we were really really free, were as children. Ignorance cán be bliss ..

As children we thought bubbles were fragile .. then we grew up .. and life taught us that the one thing more fragile than a bubble .. is another person’s heart and soul.

I can’t help but wonder .. if we treated one another the same way as we treated the bubbles when we were young, trying to keep them whole, allowing them to land softly on our open palms, treating them with respect, appreciating the unique beauty of each ..

Hmm, then reality knocked. And my bubble burst ..

Die Besef

die lappop
ruggraatloos saamgestel
uit flenterlap
van gister se verblykte
oulap-se-rooi-maak-mooi

harteloos opgestop
met oorskiet whatever
neem verlief met die
geborduurde geforseerde smile
van kombers-steek garedraad

knopies-oë wat star
strak en koud uitstaar
na die erens in nerens

dan eendag onverwags
nuwe hande om die vuil materiaal te voel
skoon vingers wat kneukel-wit vashou aan n siel
wat verniel en vergete op die ashoop le

en daarmee die eggo
van ‘n (weer) besef

dat my lappop arms
bewegingloos bly hang
al word ek hoe styf vasgehou
want ek het vergeet om te voel

.. en iemand het n lappop op die ashoop weggegooi ..

Never gonna be alone

Dit is my honderdste post in my nuwe blog-tuiste.

Maar daar is geen vuurwerke nie. Want, anders as in die verlede, hou ek baie meer terug. En le die eintlike waarheid in die dinge wat ek nié se nie.

Want ek moet vir my n pad óm jou oopskryf. Ek moet vir my n pad sónder jou skryf. Ek blog lankal nie meer vir dieselfde redes nie. Dis waarom ek hier kom skuiling soek het.

Om dit aan die een kant draagliker vir myself te maak. Want dis makliker om my woorde te kom wegsteek waar jy hulle nie gaan vind nie, as om te weet hulle is ‘out in the open’ en jy gaan hulle anyway nie lees nie.

Aan die ander kant, hmmm. Ek praat nie oor jou nie. Ek kan nie oor jou praat nie. Nie sonder om te breek nie. En dis n kant van my wat die wereld nie ken nie, so hulle mag dit nie sien nie.

Hierdie blog, ek weet nie, ek het gehoop dis my manier om van jou te genees. Soos mens n stuk naaldwerk aan die nate lostorring wat die dele verbind. En dalk, net miskien, dit regkry om iets nuut uit die nuwe stuk materiaal te maak. Maar dis nie so eenvoudig nie. Die garedraad het gate in die lap gemaak, die soom het n naat gevorm, en daar is permanente kreukels waar jou siel vas aan myne gele het.

Ek het myself verloor in jou. Ek het verdwaal in die kontoere van jou menswees soos mens verdwaal in jou eerste besoek aan n oorsese stad. Ek weet eerlikwaar nie meer wie ek is nie, wat ek geword het of veronderstel is om te wees nie.

I let myself go, and let go of myself at the same time. I don’t understand how a person can be faced with two choices: change or die. And yet, here I am: passive aggressive going nowhere slowly.

Die kind in my wil op my kniee langs die bed gaan kniel, soos die prentjies in die storieboeke, en saggies prewel ‘Dear God, melt this frozen heart back to ice’ ..

Maar ek kom nie eers sover om die woorde te uiter nie. Ek probeer hard, so flippen hard, smag daarna om my lewe te rewind na die niks wat ek was tot voor ek jou ontmoet het nie .. maar ek hoor n song soos hierdie, en vergeet vir n wyle van hoe soppy dit moet klink.

Want ek wonder hoe dit sou voel om vir n enkele oomblik voor jou te staan, oudergewoonte in die poele van jou diep-donker oë te verdrink, hierdie woorde vir jou te se: en te weet jy glo dit.

To anybody out there reading this, whether by chance or coincidence, please:

- never tell someone you love them if you don’t really really mean it
- if you can’t be kind to someone, please, at the very least, try not to hurt them?

Ek mis jou vanaand. Erg. Vergewe my as ek vir jou bid, asseblief? Ek wil jou net gelukkig sien, wat ook al die term geluk vir jou definieer.

In my world, alas, you’re never gonna be alone.

Farewell Beautiful Stranger ..



[Artist: Nickelback]

[Verse 1]
Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you.
Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside,
So I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

[Chorus]
Never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall...
Never gonna be alone!
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

[Verse 2]
And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands,
'Cause forever I believe that there's nothing I could need but you,
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

[Chorus]
Never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world out,
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

[Verse 3]
Oh!
You've gotta live every single day,
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away,
Could be our only one, you know it's only just begun.
Every single day,
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes...

[Verse 4]
Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

[Chorus]
Never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world out,
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

I'm gonna be there always,
I won't be missing one more day,
I'm gonna be there always,
I won't be missing one more day.

This left feels right

We are brought up as children to always do the right thing in life. But no, in an adult world, I find people looking at one another in a manner that says: it’s wrong doing the right thing.

What the hell?

We’re preaching individualism, but unless we conform we’re in trouble. Don’t forget freedom of speech, but come prepared if you are going to proclaim who or what you believe in. We live in an ‘anything goes’ era and we agree that the magazine covers are mostly good photoshop jobs, but how dare you not look the prescribed part?

I am confused.

Angry Chair

[Artist: Alice in Chains]



Sitting on an angry chair
Angry walls that steal the air

Stomach hurts and I don't care
What do I see across the way, hey
See myself molded in clay, oh
Stares at me, yeah I'm afraid, hey
Changing the shape of his face, ah yeah

Candles red I have a pair
Shadows dancing everywhere
Burning on the angry chair

Little boy made a mistake, hey
Pink cloud has now turned to gray, oh
All that I want is to play, hey
Get on your knees, time to pray, oh

I don't mind, yeah
I don't mind, I-I-I
I don't mind, yeah
I don't mind, I-I-I
Lost my mind, yeah
I don't mind, I-I-I
Can't find it anywhere
I don't mind, I-I-I

Corporate prison, we stay, hey
I'm a dull boy, work all day, oh
So I'm strung out anyway, hey

Loneliness is not a phase
Field of pain is where I graze

Serenity is far away
Saw my reflection and cried, hey
So little hope that I died, oh
Feed me your lies, open wide, hey
Weight of my heart, not the size, oh

I don't mind, yeah
I don't mind, I-I-I
I don't mind, yeah
I don't mind, I-I-I
Lost my mind, yeah
I don't mind, I-I-I
Can't find it anywhere
I don't mind, I-I-I

Pink cloud has now turned to gray
All that I want is to play
Get on your knees time to pray, boy

The unveiling of my soul

Nothing more than an empty room.

I want to walk away from all these empty meaningless words .. simply turn around and walk away ..

World So Cold

Wish I could take these words, shuffle them like cards, and make them tell a different story .. but you don't always get what you wish for in life.



[Artist: Three Days Grace]

I never thought I’d feel this
Guilty and I’m broken down inside
Livin’ with myself
Nothing but lies

I always thought I’d make it
But never knew I’d let it get so bad
Livin’ with myself
Is all I have

I feel numb
I can’t come to life
I feel like I’m frozen in time

Livin’ in a world so cold
Wasting away
Livin’ in a shell with no soul
Since you’ve gone away
Livin’ in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you’ve gone away
You’ve gone away

Do you ever feel me
Do you ever look deep down inside
Starin’ at yourself
Paralyzed

I feel numb
I can’t come to life
I feel like I’m frozen in time

Livin’ in a world so cold
Wasting away
Livin’ in a shell with no soul
Since you’ve gone away
Livin’ in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you’ve gone away
You’ve gone away from me

I’m too young to lose my soul
I’m too young to feel this old
For so long I’m left behind
I feel like I’m losing my mind

Do you ever feel me
Do you ever look deep down inside
Starin’ at your life
Paralyzed

Livin’ in a world so cold
Wasting away
Livin’ in a shell with no soul
Since you’ve gone away
Livin’ in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you’ve gone away
You’ve gone away from me

I’m too young
I’m too young

Gratitude

I don't deserve your praise
but having the privilege
of picking your words
ripe and ready when
I need them to be
the moment healing
or urgent escape
on my behalf is
desired
required
handing me the keys
to my own Eden
at the most crucial of times
makes me thank Him
for you
finding me

Lost Soul

just another lost soul
passing by
the soles of her feet
caressing the face of the earth
restlessly wandering
like those of a gypsy
yet leaving no trace behind

when she speaks her
venomous words leave a scar
on those least deserving
she understands why
the desert rose
needs to grow alone
lives and dies unseen

like a fairytale forgotten
untold by time
the beauty of it
feeding the ravens

alas
just another lost soul
am I

Splinter-wense

Ek wens ek kon vandag in die arms van ‘n Spookdorp wakker word ..

Comfortably Numb

[Artist: Pink Floyd]

Hello, hello, hello
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?

Come on, come on down,
I hear you’re feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax, relax, relax
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.

When I was a child, I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I’ve got that feeling once again.
I can’t explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.

I have become comfortably numb.

[guitar solo]

I have become comfortably numb.

OK, OK, OK
Just a little pin prick.
There’ll be no more, aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh,
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up, stand up, stand up.
I do believe it's working good.
That’ll keep you going for the show.
Come on, it’s time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.

When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look, but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child has grown, the dream is gone.

I have become comfortably numb.

Exhausted

Ek is moeg, meer moeg as wat n paar ure se ekstra slaap gaan fix.

Nutshell

[Artist: Alice In Chains]

We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

Oooh... Oooh...
Oooh... Oooh...

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead

Oooh... Oooh...
Oooh... Oooh...

Paint It Black

‘Om te dink jare gelede toe ons klein was, het ons in die ry by die glyplank gestaan, en ons grootste bekommernis was of ons ook n beurt gaan kry.’

Woorde wat ek nooit sal vergeet nie. Vol eenvoud, maar tog so waar.

En hier staan ons vandag, volwasse kinders in die speelpark van die lewe. En ek wonder of daar werklik soveel intussen verander het.

Ek is uitgehonger vir skryf maar ek frommel my paragrawe een na die ander op en gooi dit op die vloer vir die kat om mee te speel. Dalk kan hy meer nut daaruit kry. Ek het nooit erg aan puzzle bou gehad nie, en op hierdie stadium voel my sinne soos losstaande woorde wat nie sinmaak of verband hou met mekaar nie.

My thoughts are random. It’s like pulling at the opposite ends of a christmas cracker when we were young, but now – not knowing what emotion is going to emerge from it.

Ek word soms stil en dan sien ek weer die kind in my van dekades gelede. Kaalvoet in die sand met n hele peleton army mannetjies wat die wereld van ondergang gaan red. Twiggy was beter as my i-pod, KIT was die kar wat ek eendag sou ry as ek groot is .. ek het n plan gehad .. en alles het sin gemaak. Of liewer, alles het in my wereld sin gemaak .. tot ek die hoof karakter in my eie verhaal geword het en die spieel in die backstage dressing room minder mooi vir my begin terugsmile het.



I loved my Cindy and Barbie dolls, but besides looking breathtaking and being a reminder of everything I would never be when I grow up, they were the manifestation of passive perfect plastic .. (hello 2009!)

Ek het Straatvalk gekyk tot my oë vierkantig was, die woorde gememoriseer en daarna my nuutgevonde vaardighede op die BMX-baan se gruis-kurwes gaan oefen. Ek het nog altyd n liefde vir helikopters gehad en was as kind naïef genoeg om te glo dat die kombinasie van die A-team, McGyver en Airwolf iets soos die World Trade Centre nagmerrie onmoontlik sou maak.

Ek wonder net of daar vandag fout is met my? Hoekom hou ek nie van chick flicks nie? Hoekom maak rose en choclates my geïrriteerd? En wat .. wat presies is dit .. wat my op hierdie ouderdom steeds kinderlik opgewonde maak as daar n nuwe Harry Potter movie uitkom, hoekom vervang ek n aktetas-handsak met n ‘I love vampires’ slingbag en waarom neem ek n dag verlof om die premiere van Lord of the Rings by te woon?

Why am I nothing more than Lucy Pevensie religeously believing in Mr Tumnus? Gaan ek nooit regtig grootword nie, of projekteer daardie superhero’s en fantasie-karakters net die verskil wat ek smag om te wees in ander mense se lewens, maar nooit sal wees in hierdie leeftyd, of die volgende nie.

Hmmmm .. may I just paint these words black, all of them, pretty please?

I don't believe you

Sometimes I wish I had someone to break up with me.

Anyway, this too shall come to pass. Dit bly net vir my interessant watter verskil perspektief kan maak. Dis byvoorbeeld so maklik om van iemand te vergeet as dit jou keuse is, maar as jy die een is wat vergeet word is dit n heel ander storie.

Hierdie is eintlik glad nie my tipe musiek nie, maar die liedjie se woorde het my weer daaraan laat dink. Maak nie saak hoe geheg mense aan mekaar is nie, daar is maar in elkeen van ons goed wat iemand anders irriteer. Mens gaan soms deur slegte tye, onnodige fights waarvan niemand later eers die oorsaak kan onthou nie, maar wat jou teen die mure uitdryf. Alles waar né?

Hmm .. tot jy dit nie meer het nie. As ek weer so n stupid fight met jou kon he, sou jy minstens met my praat. As my hond weer die kos van die toonbank sou steel, sou ek minstens die kans he om hom weer in my arms vas te hou. As my ouma my weer moes roep om vanuit n ander vertrek iets te kom aangee wat net so n paar tree van haar af lê, sou ek minstens die kans he om vir haar nog n koppie tee te maak terwyl haar breipenne met mekaar gesels.

Perspektief.

Soos die boodskap gisteraand, ‘kan ek jou kom haal en myne maak’ .. ag woorde rou eerlik uit iemand se hart, en ek weet dit het moed geverg, en ek weet ek moet mooi werk daarmee .. maar die boodskap het nie jou naam onderaan gehad nie.

And suddenly those eight words in my hands became empty and meaningless ..

Ek weet ek mag dit nie bevraagteken nie, want alles gebeur met n doel en ons moet net die beste maak van wat vir ons gegee word. Maar hoekom het Hy jou op my pad gesit as Hy geweet het Hy gaan jou weer net so vinnig wegvat?

Is the lesson not to love at all? Or trust that no one can be trusted? Or that my purpose on earth is to be a stepping stone for others, an in-between season to distract them while summer and winter are playing musical chairs. A means to an end?

And my perspective on closure? Kom ons sê maar net ek het nuwe waardering en respek vir sleutels gekry. Because nothing can trap you more than the freedom of an open door without a key.



I DON'T BELIEVE YOU

[Artist: Pink]

I don't mind it
I don't mind at all
It's like you're the swing set and I'm the kid that falls
It's like the way we fight, the times I've cried, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?

[Chorus:]
No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No, I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend
To not love me at all

I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up
Looks like you've given up, you've had enough
But I want more no I won't stop
'cause I just know you'll come around... right?

[Chorus]

Just don't stand there and watch me fall
'cause I, 'cause I still don't mind at all
It's like the way we fight, the times I cry, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?

[Chorus]

I don't believe you

Amper

Dit is die deel van my dankie wat jy seker nooit sal verstaan nie. Amper, baie amper, het ek vir ‘n kort oomblik mens gevoel met die illusie van my hand toegevou in joune.



“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”

[Quote: Roy Croft]

Weegskaal

My theory: The less you have - the less you have to lose.

Right Where It Belongs

[Artist: Nine Inch Nails]

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

[Chorus:]
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

[Chorus:]
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What Have You Done

Am I genetically programmed to hurt the lives closest to me? Am I the failure to balance out their success, happiness and well-being? Nothing more than a waste of human space, a curse in disguise. Why so serious, would you mind if I hurt you? WTF



[Artist: Within Temptation]

Would you mind if I hurt you?
Understand that I need to
Wish that I had other choices
Than to harm the one I love

What have you done now?

I know I'd better stop trying
You know that there's no denying
I won't show mercy on you now
I know I should stop believing
I know that there's no retrieving
It's over now
What have you done?

What have you done now?

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away
What have you done now?
Why, Why does fate make us suffer
There's a curse between us
Between me and you

What have you done?
What have you done now?
What have you done ?
What have you done now?

Would you mind if I killed you?
Would you mind if I tried to
Cause you have turned into my worst enemy?
You carry hate that I feel
It's over now
What have you done

What have you done now

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away
What have you done now?
Why, Why does fate make us suffer
There's a curse between us
Between me and you

What have you done?
What have you done now?
What have you done?
What have you done now?

I will not fall
Won't let it go
We will be free
When it ends

I, I've been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away
What have you done now?
Why, Why does fate make us suffer
There's a curse between us
Between me and you

The Dragon And The Fairy

Once upon a time, not so very long ago as in the fairytales, my feet carried me to a part of the woods I haven’t visited before.

Circumstances forced me to move beyond the borders of the house I used to call home. I was alone, scared and confused. To be honest, I felt lost in the midst of everything which made sense and was familiar to me.

So I set one foot before the other and started walking, deserting my dungeon for the time being. I looked over my shoulder a few times before I lost sight of my beloved home, but my feet kept on walking and carried my in a different direction.

I found myself in an unfamiliar, but beautiful place. The trees grew less dense, but still swayed their tall bodies in the soft wind. The surrounding area became more rocky. I saw beautiful colourful flowers nested in a crack in one of the higher rocks. I’ve seen little baby waterfalls carrying the liquidized music of the stream forward, and I have walked past the shadows of a few inviting caves, but my feet just kept on walking.

Until this weary traveller was caught unaware by the sudden appearance of a cliff in front of her. I looked up at the mountain peaks ahead of me, which stood tall like monuments in the distance. I was lost and I felt trapped, tired, exhausted.

I sat down for a while, too tired to think. My feet too numb to walk any further. The setting sun was pulling the dark veil of the night over the sky, much quicker than I would be able to find my way out of there.

I must have fallen asleep, for when I opened my eyes the stars have all lit their candles, cuddling themselves in the creases of the black velvet sky. ‘Come’ .. a female voice spoke softly behind me.

Was I dreaming? How could there be anybody else beside me, here at the foot of the cliff. I was startled to say the least, but not afraid. Her eyes were glowing, like that of a fairy or some magical creature. I could sense that she wouldn’t do me any harm. ‘But how, where..’ I started asking, when another hand drew my attention and pointed in the direction of the cliff.

The hand belonged to a man, who stood strong and fierce beside her. My eyes followed his hand in the direction of the cliff. A bridge? My facial expression must’ve completed the question for me, when he answered .. we have lowered the drawbridge to our lair to come and help you, rescue you. ‘Come’ she said again.



The moment felt surreal. Who were these strangers? And why were they helping me? They helped me to my feet and led me across the bridge, to where they lived.

In the months that followed, he would show me around. Introducing me to their world, lending me his eyes to sometimes look at things with a different perspective. Sometimes he would quote someone, or make a short statement of his own, with an ending open for interpretation. And he taught me to think, to question things and not just assume and accept everything on face value, and to form my own opinion about things in life.

She on the other hand, I always smile when I think of her. She would let me sit beside her while she was painting the most beautiful pictures, capturing the essence, dare I say the magic of the world as they knew and perceived it. Sometimes she would let me close my eyes, and she would take my soul hostage and captivate me with the most beautiful words, as her poetry, utterly beautiful, introduced me to the places few have been. There was music in her voice when she spoke.

These kind hearted beings took good care of my injured soul, each on his or her own way. They found me at such a crucial time, but instead of walking past me, they stopped for a while to hear me breathe.

Now I see the drawbridge between the two of them has been lifted. And my heart aches for both of them. Neither of them realise how much they have helped me to create a new path for my feet to tread on. I wish I was able to say thank you, or make things better for both of them.

Today I feel sad .. while revisiting that place .. and watching those little waterfalls weeping – for them.

[It's all in the title. Ek dink aan julle, opregte sterkte vir beide.]

Goin' Down

[Artist: Three Days Grace]

Took me down to the river
So I could drown drown drown
Looking up trough the water
I kept sinking down down down

I feel like I'm dying
I've got one foot in the ground
Never knew what love was
until you came around

You're going down
you're going down down
You walk all over me
you never thought I'd be
the one who's laughing now
Now that you're going down

Take it down to the basement
you look around round round
And we sit there in scilence
I watch you go down down down

I feel like I'm flying
I've got my head in the clouds
Never though I was crazy
Until you came around

You're going down
you're going down down
You walk all over me
you never thought I'd be
the one who's laughing now
Now that you're going down

you're going down down
You walk all over me
you never thought I'd be
the one who's laughing now
Now that you're going down

Took me down to the river
So I could drown drown drown
You're going down
you're going down down
You walk all over me
you never thought I'd be
the one who's laughing now
Now that you're going down
[down down down]

you're going down down
You walk all over me
you never thought I'd be
the one who's laughing now
Now that you're going down

Sidestand

Dis anders as mens n bike koop.

Jy het immers n vooropgestelde idee waarna jy soek, jy weet aan watter vereistes dit moet voldoen en jy weet dit kom teen n stewige prys, maar een wat jy uit vrye wil kies om te betaal.

You have riding gear which can protect you from hurt or injury when you fall. You can attend training courses to improve your riding skills. You can trade your bike in at any given time if you prefer an upgrade, or if finances are tight, save until you have enough money to afford it, because the bike you wanted isn’t the last of its kind.

Maar jy ..

Jy was anders. Ek het nie na jou gesoek nie, jy het net met my gebeur. Daar was geen kriteria of vereistes gewees nie, want jy was nog altyd perfek in my oë. En .. jy was gratis. Jy was my eerste gedagte elke oggend nog voor ek my oë behoorlik oopmaak, en die fluistersagte sug na my amen in die aand.

Daar was niks om my te beskerm teen presies hoe hard ek vir jou geval het nie. Daar was nie n handleiding om my te waarsku of raad te gee oor hoe ek goed genoeg vir jou kon wees nie. Ek sou jou vir niks of niemand in hierdie wereld verruil het nie, want daar is net een van jou.

Ek het intussen my bike gekry .. maar die rede verloor waarom ek die sleutel in die ignition moet draai. Suddenly I am battling to find my way back to my dream.

Jy het toe al die tyd met n prys gekom.

I sometime hate the fact that I love you this much.

Without You

Soms verklap woorde met wysies soveel onvertelde waarheid.



[Artist: Three Days Grace]

What if I walk without you
What if I ran without you
What if I stand without you
I could not go on

What if I live without you
What if I love without you
What if I died without you
I could not go on

You left my side tonight
And I, I just don't feel right
But I, I can't let you out of sight,
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all

What if I lie without you
What if I rise without you
What if I dream without you
I could not go on

You left my side tonight
And I, I just don't feel right
But I, I can't let you out of sight,
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all

You left my side tonight
And I just don't feel right
I can't let you out of sight,
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all

You left my side tonight
And I, I just don't feel right
But I, I can't let you out of sight,
Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing at all

Nothing at all!

Deurmekaar

[Artist: Karen Zoid]

Ek het geloop sonder om te groet
Ek wil jou bel ek wonder of ek moet
Ek weet jy dink ek’t jou verniel
Ek het jou lief met my hart en siel

Ek het geloop sonder om te groet
En clean breaks is tien teen een goed
En ek sit hier op die lang pad
Soos soveel kere vantevoor
En iewers langs die highway het ek my beste pel verloor

Ek ken jou lyf
Ek ken jou taal
Ek ken jou goed
Ek ken jou kaal
Ons het opgestaan
Ons het weer geval
Die herinneringe maak my mal
Die fight’s verby
Die vuur’s geblus
Die storm het bedaar
Als is fine
Ek voel so deurmekaar

Ek het geloop sonder om te groet
Jy’s nog altyd een wat net praat wanneer hy moet
As ek kon sing en minder sê
Sal jy ook beter weet wat ek nodig het.

Ek ken jou lyf
Ek ken jou taal
Ek ken jou goed
Ek ken jou kaal
Ons het opgestaan
Ons het weer geval
Die herinneringe
Die herinneringe
Die herinneringe

Ek ken jou lyf
Ek ken jou taal
Ek ken jou goed
Ek ken jou kaal
Ons het opgestaan
Ons het weer geval
Die herinneringe maak my mal

Pause

Ek weet nie hoekom .. hoekom ek vanaand soveel hoop het nie. Nee, dalk nie hoop nie. Vrede. Vryheid. Asem.

Ek google n woordeboek defiinisie van hoop .. ‘To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment’.

Ek staan kaalvoet op n minora blade. Dis n 50-50 balans sonder enige desimale. My identiteit .. ehm .. wie is ek, wie was ek, wie is ek veronderstel om te wees?

Elkeen van die sinne in my gedagtes het n oop einde .. die punt gly weg op die vlerke van n traan.

Soms .. soms het mens niks meer of minder om aan iemand te gee .. as net jouself nie. Die wete dat dit nie goed genoeg is nie, dis ..

Dis uit my hande. Punt lyn.

The best is yet to come .. ek juggle feite en illusie .. ek weet nie watter een ek gaan raakvang nie. Maar vir nou is dit waaraan ek vashou.

One step, one hour .. one day at a time. Hoop .. dis soms n woord .. met handvatsels .. iets om aan vas te hou. Ongedefinieerd.

Life is Beautiful

Miskien .. net miskien .. gaan ek weer ok wees.



[Artist: Sixx Am]

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't
I've done things that you won't
There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?